Seek counseling for infidelity

Dear Annie: I have been married to my wife for 23 years, and we have two children. Nine months ago, I found an e-mail my wife had sent to “Dave,” along with a picture in which she was partially nude. When I confronted her, she admitted the affair started five years ago. She stopped seeing Dave when he was transferred out of state. (He’s an active-duty Air Force pilot.) However, they continued to call each other and sent a few nude photographs back and forth.

My wife has been honest about the affair, and I am trying to forgive her. She says the sex was infrequent and the relationship was not that special, but I still have questions. Why didn’t she end it sooner? What would have happened if I didn’t find out?

My other problem is Dave. I reported him to the Judge Advocate General. Because he is active-duty military, an affair is a punishable offense. I have not heard from the military and do not know whether to pursue this. I am slowly healing and worry a court hearing will open those wounds again. I don’t want to see a counselor, so thanks for any input. ‘ Wondering in North Dakota

Dear N.D.: You will be notified if your testimony is required for a military hearing, but we understand if you’d rather not pursue it. In the heat of betrayal, the desire to punish can be overwhelming. Testifying can reopen wounds or provide closure, and only you can decide if it’s worth it. Still, we hope you will reconsider counseling as a way of getting the answers to your other questions.