Wonderful, caring and timorous man

Dear Margo: I am at a loss. After 13 years of marriage, I divorced a controlling, alcoholic husband and, two years later, married a wonderful, caring man who allows me to be a person in my own right and to make my own decisions. Sounds great, doesn’t it?

Unfortunately, he also allows his son and his parents to run our lives. There is no boundary these three don’t feel comfortable crossing.

When his 19-year-old doesn’t get his way (which is rare), he tries to make his dad feel guilty by saying it’s because his dad doesn’t love him as much as he loves his “new family.” If that doesn’t work, he calls his grandparents, and they call my husband to question him. This makes him reluctant to ever lay down the law and be a parent.

His son recently moved out, presumably because life at our house was unbearable. He lasted less than a month, because that family had rules, and now he wants to return home. I told my husband I was fine with that, but he had to be willing to live by normal household rules, such as curfew, a steady job (he had seven during the last year, and two months of unemployment), respecting my husband and myself, and telling the truth.

My husband is reluctant to articulate these basic rules, saying his son “knows.” My stepson’s lying has almost reached the point of being a compulsion, and he has gained a terrible reputation.

My husband’s parents regularly come over to our house while we are at work to clean, even though we’ve asked them not to. They also hung six pictures in our bathroom. My husband later admitted he asked them to clean the house if they got bored (they’re retired), but never asked them to redecorate.

What can I do to be treated like an adult? — Lady in Limbo

Dear Lim: Lady, this is a mess. You have traded in a controlling husband for one who is being controlled — both by his kid and his parents.

The 19-year-old sounds like a train wreck, and perhaps he should live with a buddy (or maybe the grandparents with nothing to do), since I strongly doubt he is capable of a personality makeover and has the potential to wreck your marriage.

Equally important is that your husband be counseled by a therapist that it’s time for him to cut the cord with his parents and grow a spine. It’s a little late in the day for all this “re-education,” but it is essential if you are to stay married and not get ulcers. — Margo, definitely