Loser guys and the women who love them

Dear Margo: Our 20-year-old daughter has been involved for two years with a young man who smokes, drinks too much, is controlling, quit school and can’t hold down a job.

He has no car, so our daughter has to do all the driving back from college to see him every weekend. In no way is he the kind of potential son-in-law we would have hoped for, but it is looking as though this boy may be in our daughter’s life for a long time.

Because we have objected to her relationship with him from the beginning, we have very little contact with him. More than anything, we want to maintain a good relationship with our daughter, whom we love. We would never want her to have to choose between him and us — we know we would lose.

How can we deal with the worry over her making a life-altering mistake if she marries him? Is it hypocritical for us to try to accept this loser in order to keep close to our daughter? Why would a girl from a nice family choose a boy with such different values than she grew up with? — Disappointed, Sad and Worried

Dear Dis: You are wise to imagine that you’d be on the losing end if you made your daughter choose right now. Tolerate the creep to the best of your ability so that you can maintain some kind of relationship.

I suspect down the line she will tire of this man’s negatives, because a jobless drinker, who is also controlling, will not wear very well. (Then try hard not to say, “We told you so.”)

As for why she’s made this choice, there could be a million answers.

High on my list would be rebellion, Fixer-of-Broken Persons Syndrome and masochism. Let us hope she learns that women are not reform schools, and also that the jerk is only her starter husband. — Margo, futuristically

***

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to [email protected]. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.