Who would buy hotel furniture?
There was an interesting story awhile back about some swank hotels that were letting guests buy the exact copies of the furniture that was in their hotel room. There are so many things wrong with that sentence, I don’t know where to begin.
First, why do hotels insist on calling customers “guests?”
“It’s always so swell to see you. You are our favorite guest. Come back soon. That’ll the $480 for the room, $80 for those three local phone calls you made and $125 for the parking. Have a nice day. Come again, soon. Don’t let the door hit you on the fanny on your way out.” It’s almost as if they treat us like “customers” when we stay at hotels and not like guests at all. What next, they’ll start calling the hotel business the “Hospitality Industry” instead of “The Alleged Highway Robbery Industry?”
Second, who would want their home to look like a hotel room?
“Gee, Marge, I love the way you’ve screwed those ugly paintings to your walls. There’s something wonderfully industrial and inhuman about them. Who painted them? The Terminator? RoboCop? And that bed in your living room — it’s charming. It somehow makes the whole place look smaller and less appealing. Like, I don’t know, a hotel room. You must tell me how you did it.
“That window treatment! It’s to die for. I can never find the ones that never quite close all the way. And that big, noisy heater-air conditioner under the window. If that doesn’t scream ‘classy,’ what does? No wonder you buy from a hotel chain. Who knows more about making people feel comfortable? I mean, other than a prison warden or boot camp drill instructor.
“If only I could get one of those beds where the headboard is nailed to the wall, not even connected to the bed. And I’d love one of those snazzy bathrooms that don’t have enough room for my shaving kit and my wife’s overnight bag at the same time.”
Why anyone would want their home to look like a hotel room? The only thing I’ve ever taken from a hotel room is the little sign you hang on the door handle that says, “Do Not Disturb.” I thought it’d be funny to hang on my office door at home.
In other travel news, a few weeks ago Northwest Airlines announced they would start selling aisle and exit row seats for $15 extra. You mean for only 15 lousy dollars I could experience the luxury of an aisle seat? I could stretch out and relax — Ouch! You just crushed my ankle with the drink cart — and have all that extra — how many times do you have to use the bathroom, lady? — legroom. Next time, I’ll see how much extra it will cost me to get a window seat.
The same guy that thought up selling guests the hotel-style furniture had to be the same guy that came up with charging extra for aisle seats. Maybe he’s the guy who came up with “restocking fees” and shipping and “handling” fees. I can see the shipping fee, but handling? How else are you going to get it to me? This guy’s got an M.O., there’s a pattern of charging people for things they never would have considered paying for before. Where will he strike next?
“The Shop and Go Away chain of supermarkets has announced that starting Monday that they will charge customers one dollar to go through the ‘Seven Items or Less’ lane.”
“Ciao Down Restaurants, home of the calamari burrito, has announced today that starting the 15th of the month, there will be a $5 per person surcharge for dinner reservations. Plus tip.”
“Mrs. Jane Whittacre, receptionist to Dr. Philbin, is announcing that starting immediately, she will be charging $2 to validate your parking ticket.”
Jim Mullen is the author of “It Takes a Village Idiot: Complicating the Simple Life” and “Baby’s First Tattoo.” You can reach him at [email protected].