The Village Idiot: It’s a wacky, wacky world
Who was the fool that invented the weed wacker? What kind of sick, twisted mind does it take to think up a labor-causing device? Would anyone really trim around their trees and garages if they had to do it by hand? Most people would let it slide. And face it, if you’ve got a rusted-out, ’83 Ford up on blocks on your front lawn, will weed wacking around it make that much of a difference? So let me just say three words to all you young inventors out there — laborsaving devices — got it?
I’m against this mania for wacking weeds. What have they ever done to me? They’re easy to grow and they don’t need fertilizer. Who wouldn’t want something like that? My wife, Sue, for one. Most of my neat-freak neighbors for two. As if I have nothing better to do than go around making sure there are no tall weeds around my trees. Can they get together and figure out a way to waste even more of my time? What’s the guy who invented the weed wacker working on now? A tree trunk vacuum? A sidewalk steamer? A grass buffer?
“Sick of tired-looking, dull grass? With the Grass Buffer you can polish your grass to an unearthly shine that will be the envy of your neighbors. Do you love the feel of slow, noisy, unreliable lawn equipment? The Grass Buffer’s for you! Feel superior, get one today!”
Of course, as anyone with a string trimmer knows, you spend precious little of your weed wacking time wacking weeds. You spend most of it trying to get more string to come out of the string trimmer.
“Gently tap the string spool head on a hard surface to feed out more string automatically,” say the instructions that came with my model. Those instructions were boiled down from the original, which said:
“Turn string trimmer upside down, causing it to spill a smelly mixture of oil and gas all over your driveway. Locate the mass of weeds and plastic string that is jamming the spool at the bottom of the string trimmer. Try to loosen the giant, twisted knot of hot plastic with your fingers. After tearing off a few fingernails, stomp into the house and get a pair of gloves. That won’t work either, so after about 15 minutes with no progress, set down the string trimmer spilling more gas and oil on the porch you just pressure-washed. Stomp back inside and find a pair of pliers. Try to loosen the obstruction with them.
“Did we mention they should be needle-nose pliers? Go back in the house and get needle-nose pliers, idiot. When those fail to do the job, remove the outer spool covering and rewind 40 feet of green plastic string. Try it a few times. Not like that, like this. You’ve got it absolutely backwards. Yes, it’s very frustrating, but should you be saying things like that where everyone can hear you?
“Wipe the sweat off your forehead leaving a nasty, greasy streak on your face. After winding the string around the base for the fifth time, replace the spool cap by holding the cap in your right hand, the string in your left hand while holding the string trimmer steady with your third hand.
“Refill the string trimmer with a new mixture of gas and oil. You will know when it is full when the mixture bubbles out of the string trimmer and onto your new flagstone patio. Throw some kitty litter on that and clean it up when you finish string trimming. It will never get out the stain, but at least no one will slip on it.
“Did we tell you to replace that screw that holds on the spool cap? OK, repeat steps 1 through 13 and replace the spool cap screw, No. 14. No, we don’t know what you did with it. Maybe it’s over there by the electric leaf blower you never use because it only has a two-foot long power cord. We invented that, too. Pretty nifty, huh?”
It’s time for a break. If I could only find that electric Martini shaker.
(Jim Mullen is the author of “It Takes a Village Idiot: Complicating the Simple Life” and “Baby’s First Tattoo.” You can reach him at [email protected].)