The Village Idiot: He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice…
Magazines are full of “Ten Best” lists this time of year. “The Ten Best Movies of the Year,” “The Ten Best Books of the Year,” “The Ten Best TV Shows of the Year.” I always wonder why I’ve only seen one of the Ten Best Movies of the Year? Probably because I haven’t even heard of six of them. Two of the remaining three haven’t been released yet, and one is still shooting in Spain. But it’s an Almodovar film, so who needs to see it to put it on the Ten Best List?
I do even worse on the “Ten Best Books of the Year.” I’m still trying to get through the Ten Best Books of 1987. And it’s hard, they seem so dated. It’s as if they were written 17 years ago. It’s been taking so long because I’ve been watching the “Ten Best TV Shows of the Year” instead of reading.
But people love to read lists, that’s why each year there are more and more of them. If the trend keeps up, the day may come when there will be entire newspapers and magazines made up of nothing but lists.
“The Top Ten Cities Without Their Own CSI Program (Coming Soon – ‘CSI: Chillicothe’),” “The Top Ten Things You Must Buy Before Noon Today,” “Ten Charities You Could Have Given That Money To Instead,” “Top Ten Things George Forman Hasn’t Endorsed Yet.”
“Ten Best Nude Beaches.” Is there such a thing as a bad nude beach? Nude pretty much works anywhere. “Ten Boneheads Paris Hilton Hasn’t Dated Yet.” That is, as we go to press. It’s probably down to six by the time you read this. “Ten Ways to Lose Ten Pounds By Monday Afternoon.” Why is it so important to lose weight quickly? If you’re eloping or something, trust me, your spouse-to-be already knows what you look like. “Top Ten Divorce Lawyers,” “Top Ten Celebrity Rehab Clinics,” “Top Ten CDs By Groups You Never Heard Of,” “Ten Best TV Shows That Come on After You Go To Bed,” “Ten Best Countries You Didn’t Visit Last Year,” “Ten Countries You Wouldn’t Visit If They Paid You,” “Top Ten Airlines” (Are there 10 left?), “Top Ten Restaurants That You Can’t Afford To Eat At and Wouldn’t Let You In, Anyway,” “Top Ten Food Fads of the Year.” Mmm, mmm, mmm, Turducken!
“Top Ten Diet Fads of the Year,” “Ten Best Tax Shelters You Don’t Make Enough to Take Advantage Of,” “Ten Best Places to Invest That Extra Ten Million Dollars, Now.” Something tells me that people with an extra $10 million lying around didn’t make it by taking advice from magazines.
“Ten Best Ski-in Ski-out Resorts,” where you might need the services of the “Ten Best Bone Doctors Who Aren’t Out Skiing When You Break Your Leg.”
“The Top Ten Numbers from One to Ten,” “The Ten Best Reality Shows,” which would be number eight on the list of “This Year’s Ten Best Oxymorons.” “The Ten Best-Dressed Women,” who are, oddly enough, never on “The Ten Happiest Women of the Year.” You mean you can be happy without being the best-dressed? Alert the media!
“The Ten Sexiest Men Alive.” What? Dead men are no longer sexy? Now you tell me! “This Year’s Ten ‘Must Have’ Pets.” Let’s hope Fido’s on next year’s list or he’ll have to go.
“The Top Ten Most Fashionable Diseases and/or Allergies,” “Top Ten Children’s Names of the Year,” “The Top Ten Private Kindergartens” and last but not least, “The Top Ten ‘Ten Best’ Lists.”
I made a list once of “The Top Ten Things I Want to Do Before I Die.” I think if I stopped reading “Ten Best Lists” I might have enough time to do some of them. With my Ten Best Friends.
Jim Mullen is the author of “It Takes a Village Idiot: Complicating the Simple Life” and “Baby’s First Tattoo.” You can reach him at [email protected]