Now Hear This: It’s best to lie about wife’s hair
Hair. Not just any hair. Gray Hair!
You love it. You hate it. Your point of view is determined by your age, and sex.
Women will suddenly twist and contort their face, as if sucking on a lemon, upon discovering their first strand of gray hair. (Remember ladies?) Their speech becomes irregular and high pitched with language of an unknown tongue. Thereby starts the process of bi-monthly trips to the beauty salon that will be repeated the rest of her life, no matter the cost, weather conditions, or how far she has to travel.
I am a praying man, and I can tell you from very personal experience that God answers prayer. There were about four things I determined at a relatively early age that I wanted to accomplish in this life. One was to marry a blond. About every six weeks God continues to answer my prayer.
Most women embrace the philosophy if you can’t feel good, why not look good? And looking good is a multi-billion dollar industry that remains strong no matter what’s going on with the economy, the war or the Yankees.
Would somebody please explain to me the chemical compound used in hair color for women. It has to be pure gold, because the cost of the average “doo” these days is a car payment. The really disturbing part is when your wife comes home (after spending all day at the salon) she is never quite satisfied with the way she looks, and her mental state has been severely altered because of the stress factor.
“Color’s not right,” she’ll blurt out, twisting her head from side to side, the mirror revealing the truth, as her hands frantically push and poke her coiff.
“It’s too dark. I wanted it lighter. I told her I wanted it lighter!”
Then she will ask her husband if he thinks her hair is too dark, and if he says, “No honey! I think it looks good the way it is.” She’ll yell at him ? something to the effect he doesn’t care what she looks like, and why did she ask him anyway. And the husband is asking himself, “What did I do?”
All of a sudden he has a full-blown situation on his hands. He knows he can’t afford for her to go back for a touch-up so he sticks his foot in his mouth by saying, “Honey, Julie at the office has the same color hair you have, and she looks terrific!” Domestic violence is the result, and the neighbors call the cops.
There’s a lesson here somewhere. All of this began as an attempt to cover up the gray, and sometime between the shampoo and the hair color things went downhill.
Was it perhaps the hair stylist was having a bad day, and just wasn’t on top of her game? Did the man’s wife have expectations that were unrealistic therefore nothing would have pleased her anyway? Or was the husband too preoccupied with thoughts of Julie telling him that day how distinguished he looked with all that gray hair to notice his marriage in crisis.
So, what lessons have we learned here? There are two:
Bald guys have nothing to worry about!
And the next time your wife asks your opinion of her new “doo” look lovingly in her eyes as you engage in one of the fundamentals for a happy and successful marriage. LIE to her, for goodness sakes!
Hope Hines is a television sports reporter and a Nashville personality.