Now Hear This: Rule No. 1 — Golf is annoying
Let me say this right up front. If you don’t like golf, you won’t like this column. If you do like golf, something’s wrong with you anyway.
Me? I hate the stupid game! There, I feel better already. Golf has been the chief reason my life has been miserable for the better part of 45 years. The only people who really like the game have a handicap of 5 or lower. I don’t like playing with those guys. They make me feel like I should have purchased a ticket to watch them play.
My wife doesn’t like golf either. Something about the way my personality changes after 18 holes. I tell her I can at least blame it on golf. What’s her excuse!
Golf makes you crazy. For instance, the only time I ever hit a really great shot, you know one of those PGA masterpieces, is usually out of the woods, but none of my partners saw it, because they were cooling their heels in the cart under a shade tree telling golf jokes thinking I would never find my ball. When I proudly walk up to the green with my ball lying three feet from the cup, expecting to hear, “Great shot!” the only thing I get is, “How’d you do that?”
Over the years, I’ve established my own set of rules for golf.
Rule 1: I will never play with anyone who is using a new set of clubs. I don’t need to hear all the way around the course how they could do so and so with their old wedge, and they’ll never get the feel of the new driver.
Rule 2: I will never play golf with anyone wearing shorts and argyle socks or who stuffs a sweat rag in their back pocket that hangs down to their shoes.
Rule 3: Anyone who carries a cell phone. It’s a golf course, not an outdoor office.
Rule 4: Anyone whose only conversation for 18 holes is dominated by describing all the world-famous courses they have played.
Rule 5: Anyone who can remember all of their shots from a game two weeks ago.
Rule 6: Anyone who has their own golf cart. Those are really strange people.
Rule 7: Anyone who won’t let me move my ball at least two club lengths.
I do enjoy playing with beginners, however. It’s the only time I ever feel “golf superior.” If you’ve played the game for any length of time, you no doubt have encountered the very strict “laws of golf.”
Perhaps you will recognize a few of these:
Law 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer, and eventually, a lifetime.
Law 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round of golf. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
Law 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
Law 4: Golf balls never bounce off trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
Law 5: The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
Law 6: Every par 3 in the entire world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater the desire.
Law 7: The last three holes of any round of golf will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
Law 8: Golf should be given up at least three times a month.
So, I’ve come to this conclusion. If you play golf and don’t shoot between 75 and 85, you don’t have any business playing. And if you do, chances are you don’t have any business.
(Hope Hines is a television sports reporter and a Nashville personality.)