Now Hear This: Men are happier than women
Today, I will attempt to explain why men are happier, and more cheerful, than women. It’s dangerous territory I know, but I’m feeling brave. Besides I have spent considerable time researching the subject, and my theories are founded on years of opposite sex observation. Plus I’ve had two great teachers. My mother, and my wife.
Top of the list, first and foremost, nothing else even comes close.
One mood all the time! As a teenager I never could understand why my mother, bless her heart, constantly argued with my father about the room temperature in our home no matter the season. Now, after 30 years of marriage I’ve got that one figured out.
I am particularly cheerful because I never have to shave below my neck, wrinkles add character, and everything on my face stays its original color.
When I’m traveling I never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just too icky. Speaking of traveling, a five-day vacation requires I take only one suitcase.
I am giddy with the knowledge I don’t have to invite three of my closest friends for lunch, then spend the afternoon shopping for new shoes, only to determine when I get home, they cut, blister or otherwise mangle my feet. And another thing, one wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. Plus I can buy underwear for $8.95 for a six pack. One more little shopping item that lights up my face. I will never have to ask my significant other to hold my purse while I try on clothes.
A few other reasons men are happier and more cheerful than women: wedding plans take care of themselves. People almost never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. And finally, it’s one of life’s little things, but I can do my nails with a pocketknife!
Now, for a story that so perfectly illustrates the difference between men and women.
Jim is attracted to Julie. He asks her out to a movie, she accepts, and they have a good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner. They really enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other on a regular basis, and soon neither one is seeing anybody else.
While driving home from dinner one evening a thought occurs to Julie, and without thinking she says out loud, “Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?”
There is complete silence in the car. To Julie, it seems like a very loud and prolonged silence. She thinks, my goodness, I wonder if it bothers him I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship. Maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of.
And Jim is thinking: Gosh, six months. That means it was ? let’s see ? September when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer, which means ? lemme check the odometer. Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change.
Jim takes Julie home where she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured woman, and weeps all night.
Jim goes back to his place, opens a bag of chips, grabs a coke, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a college basketball game. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what it was, and so he figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it anymore.
Several days later they are out again, and Julie is thinking: Maybe I’m just to idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse.
“Jim,” Julie says out loud.
“Yes,” says Jim, startled.
“I’m such a fool,” Julie sobs, “I mean, I know there’s no knight. I really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse!”
Julie fell silent all the way home that evening while Jim was deep in thought.
One week later while playing racquetball with a mutual friend of his and Julie’s, Jim will pause just before serving, frown and say, “Bill, did Julie ever own a horse?”
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the difference between men and women!
(Hope Hines is a television sports reporter and a Nashville personality.)