The Village Idiot: Enjoying the Golden Years
Joe and Betty had bought a weekend house in the mountains years ago. They drove up from the city every weekend they could, and spent every vacation there. Their kids and then their grandkids come up every chance they get, too.
Over the years they’ve made all kinds of improvements — such as decks and an outdoor pool, gardens and pathways – and they couldn’t wait to retire and spend every waking moment at their second home.
As soon as Joe retired they did just that. They sold their house in the city, and moved up here full-time. That was about a year ago. They’re separated now. Joe is living on one side of mountain, Betty on the other.
I met Joe outside the hardware store and said I’d heard he wasn’t living at home.
“It’s one thing to spend a weekend together,” he said. “We’d talk about all the stuff we did last week and everything that’s got to be done next week. Who I saw at the office, who she saw at the club. Then we started spending every day together. I didn’t have to ask her how her day was. I was there with her. I knew exactly what she did all day, and it drove me crazy. I’d have to leave the house to get a minute to myself.”
Sue ran into Betty at a quilt show. “He was retired but I guess I wasn’t. I still did the same things I did every day. I’d vacuum and he’d walk behind me and tell me what spots I missed and how I was doing it wrong. Gee, how did I ever get along without him? He’s retired, but somehow he thinks I work for him. That I’m an employee. It kind of makes me wonder how anything ever got done at the bank, with him sticking his nose in everything.”
“What were we thinking when we put up all those decks and that pool?” Joe asked me. “All winter I had to shovel snow off 1,200 square feet of decks. All you ever do with a pool is clean it and clean it and clean it. I quit banking so I could be come a manservant? I don’t think so.”
“A manservant? Did he really say that?” Betty shakes her head. “Overseer would be more like it. He sat around and talked about shoveling the snow and cleaning the pool. He never actually did it. What he did was find some reason to go to the hardware store every day for two hours. All he’s got is time. He should be buying things that make it take more time to shovel the snow, not less He’s got enough time to make a big mess in the kitchen, that’s what he’s got time for.
“To make a cup of coffee and a piece of toast he will use every utensil, six plates, four cups, the toaster, the oven, the sink, and every countertop. He’s the opposite of Mr. Clean. It doesn’t look like he cooked, it looks like he repaired a car engine in there when he’s finished.”
Joe snorted when he heard that one. “Well how do you make a cup of coffee without using the sink and a the coffeepot? She thinks the sink is in a museum or something. That it should have a sign that says ‘Do Not Touch’ and a guard standing in the doorway to protect it. Hellooooo!!! It’s a sink! You’re supposed to use it.”
The last thing Betty said to Sue was, “They say some men just roll up and die when they retire. But no, not Joe. No, he just goes on living and living and living. What did I do to deserve that?”
“Wow. Living the dream,” I said to Sue. “At least we won’t have that problem when I retire because I already work at home.”
“Kill me now,” I heard her say under her breath.
(Jim Mullen contributes regularly to Entertainment Weekly, where he can be reached at jim_mullen@ew.com.)