The Village Idiot: Maybe next time I’ll take the bus
Donald Bryan Beauchaine
Donald Bryan Beauchaine
Like a lot of people, I flew coach this past holiday season, on one of those discount airlines. It was just as gruesome as any other airline, it just cost less. The only difference I could tell was they departed and arrived on schedule, something that’s never happened to me on a regular-fare airline. Except for the “festival seating,” everything else was pretty much the same. Same cramped seats, same flimsy trays, same screaming babies, same little bags of complimentary peanuts, same stuff in the seat back pocket.
Sometimes, I’d prefer an actual compliment instead of the peanuts. “Looking good today, sir. For someone your age. Who can’t afford to fly first-class on a better airline.” On second thought, the peanuts will do. There’s only one problem with the peanuts. You can’t open them. It’s like being given a hundred dollar bill and being told to get on a city bus. I’ve got the money, but they won’t let me on the bus. I’ve got the peanuts, I just can’t open the bag to eat them.
They say you’re allowed one carry-on bag and one personal bag. When I think personal bag, I’m thinking a laptop, a briefcase, a purse. The other passengers are thinking steamer trunks, skis, stand-up basses, second-homes. Here’s my rule of thumb – if it takes two or more people to carry it, it’s not carry on.
There’s a catalog in the backseat pocket full of expensive gadgets for rich people called the SkyMall. In it you can find a contraption that will roll up your garden hose, a plaque that says “There’s no I in ‘Teamwork,'” digital clocks that attach to the tips of your ski poles, outdoor stereo speakers that look like rocks, waterproof karaoke machines for your shower, desktop gadgets that tell your altitude, a thing that will remove hair from your eyes, ears, nose and throat. There are lots of little travel gadgets, blow-up pillows for your flight, battery extenders for your laptop, leather passport holders, secret money belts. None of the stuff in the catalog seemed very necessary. Especially to the captive audience on an airplane. Here are a few suggestions for the next SkyMall catalog.
The Airline Peanut Bag Opener: You’ll never go hungry again with this handy little device. One simple stroke and your peanuts will be ready to be eaten. No more broken nails, no more aching teeth, no more embarrassing struggles to open a seemingly simple bag in front of your seatmates. Batteries not included. May not be used aboard planes.
The Airline Arm-Extender: The peanuts you just opened are now all over the floor. You would pick them up, but the seats are so close together you can’t bend over. With the Airline Arm-Extender you’ll be able to pick up dropped peanuts, pass empty soda cans to the flight attendant, smack the guy who’s kicking you in the back with ease.
The Whining Child Taser: Sitting near an annoying child on an airplane? No need to suffer in silence any longer. Small, hand-held and nearly invisible, the Whining Child Taser has just enough juice to get the child’s attention without hurting him. For use on children age 4 to 7. For older children ask about The Teen Taser. From the makers of Baby Mace and many other socially unacceptable products.
Obese Seat Mate Protection Plates: Easily attaching to the airplane seat armrests, these lightweight titanium plates can take up to 1,500 pounds per square inch of pressure, protecting your personal seat space from spillage from even the largest passengers.
As you can see, I am tense and easily annoyed. That’s why I travel. To relax. But it seems to be having the opposite affect. It is a bad habit and I am working on it. What I need is one other thing that isn’t offered in the SkyMall catalog but should be:
Automatic Prozac Dispenser: Holds up to three weeks of Prozac. Or four weeks. Who cares? Comes in Sea Foam Blue and some other colors, but Sea Foam Blue is just fine so get that one. Call us because there’s a bunch of other stuff you should buy, OK?
Jim Mullen contributes regularly to Entertainment Weekly, where he can be reached at [email protected].