The Scoop: Maybe it’s good Santa not jumping
With our bellies still bulging from a day of constant knife-and-fork action, our mission today is to bombard stores, malls, and just about any place containing merchandise with a retail price tag.
It never quite seems like the holiday season until the ever-popular, after-Thanksgiving shopping blitz arrives. I guess it takes two old ladies fighting over a Tickle Me Elmo doll to get me in the Christmas spirit.
For years, my annual after-Thanksgiving ritual has included a trip to Three Star Mall. Few things are better than watching Santa Claus leap from an airplane then be swarmed by children as soon as he touches the ground.
But this year will start a new tradition for Santa. He’s leaving his trusty parachute in the North Pole and he will be arriving at the mall via horse-drawn carriage. This idea won out over Santa arriving at the mall in a Chevy Lumina.
Folks have asked me why Santa is not going to jump this year and the simple answer is that times are always changing. As much as I hate to admit it, Santa is not as young as he used to be. And hurling yourself from an airplane is not really an appropriate hobby for anyone with health issues.
My suggestion, which was largely ignored, was to have a defibrillator handy in case Santa went into cardiac arrest during his parachute jump. However, the point was made that it might not be in the best interest of the children to watch paramedics administer emergency medical treatment to Santa.
To make a long story short, Santa will be arriving by horse-drawn carriage today. It’s not quite as breathtaking as watching him plummet from the sky, but at least we can feel secure in knowing Santa probably won’t require CPR.
As we know, Santa is just a small part of the after-Thanksgiving splurge. The day’s main event involves cash registers, credit cards and a seemingly endless supply of shopping bags.
If you’re looking for that perfect holiday gift, I have just the thing. It’s a recently released book compiled by the editors at Esquire magazine called “What It Feels Like.”
For starters, let me say I didn’t receive any kickbacks from Esquire for the following endorsement, although I am not above accepting money in return for kind words. I offer these glowing remarks because “What It Feels Like” is my type of book: It’s easy to read; the stories are short; and it even has pictures.
Like its name suggests, the book tells what it feels like to experience a variety of freak accidents from getting struck by lightning, to being attacked by killer bees, to being buried by an avalanche.
In the case of 44-year-old sound engineer Max Dearing, he said getting struck by lightning “felt as if I’d been slammed between two Dumpsters.”
A prison inmate describes the horrors of solitary confinement, while a prison warden describes what it feels like to execute a person. “They fight, so it’s horrible,” said Mississippi warden Donald Cabana who has killed four men in five years.
The gas chamber is the method of execution in Mississippi, which Cabana says is still difficult. “You’d probably think the electric chair is more violent than the gas chamber, but the chamber is worse because it takes so long,” said Cabana. “Normally, the inmate will hold his breath but that only makes it worse.”
There is a story from 2-foot-11 actor Gabriel Pimentel about life as a really short guy. “I really don’t care what anybody calls me as long as they don’t say ‘You’re so cute.’ I hate that,” said Pimentel, who weighs 54 pounds.
I won’t call Pimentel cute, but I will say “What It Feels Like” makes for some riveting reading. And since we don’t get to see Santa jump from a plane this year, we need all the excitement we can get.
(James Clark is editor of the Standard. He can be reached at 473-2191 or by e-mail at [email protected].)