Robservations: Halloween costumes for sports fans
Did Halloween sneak up on you this year?
I don’t see how, since it comes around on Oct. 31 every year. But if you woke up this morning and find yourself unprepared for All Hallow’s Eve, don’t panic.
You don’t need to run to your local retail outlet and rummage through the ransacked costume aisles, trying to find yourself a disguise for tonight’s trickery. Because once again, gentle reader, your friendly neighborhood sports editor is here to save the day.
Here now, for the first time, is a new public service feature of “Robservations”: Quick, easy Halloween costume ideas for the sports fan in your life.
And don’t worry, I’m not going to suggest you just “go as a hockey player,” or “put on a football uniform.” These are originals, guaranteed to make you the life of the party — once you explain what you’re trying to be.
• For the basketball fan who may enjoy an adult beverage now and then:
Find yourself a purple and gold basketball jersey, and a large sombrero. If you’re polite about it, maybe you can borrow the hat from your favorite Mexican eatery.
Add a basketball and a bottle of Cuervo, and you’re everybody’s favorite drunken hoops superstar — “Tequila O’Neal.”
• For the football fan who’s also an outdoorsman:
This one’s a no-brainer. Take one of the NFL’s all-time passing leaders, and merge him with one of the south’s all-time favorite activities — fishing.
Get yourself a helmet, a No. 13 jersey, some rods and reels, and a few buckets of minnows. Maybe, if you’re going all out, pull up to your Halloween party dragging a Ranger bass boat.
Who are you, they’ll ask? It’s simple — you’re “Dan Marina.”
• For the ladies in the house:
Jewelry, jewelry, jewelry. Lots of jewels, head to toe. Find yourself a basketball, and flatten it —preferably underneath your spike-heeled shoe.
Wear diamond rings on every finger, and huge diamond earrings. And for the final touch, find yourself a couple of L.A. Laker championship rings, and wear those, too.
Wrap up your fists like you’ve just beaten the devil out of your roamin’ old man, and voila — you’re “Mrs. Kobe Bryant.”
• For the baseball fan who also is a fan of really, really bad puns:
This one might be a little hard to construct, and will definitely be tough to walk around in. But if you can pull it off, it’ll be the hit of any Halloween gathering.
Using foam rubber, or anything else you can find, build yourself a suit that looks like a big hot dog. Heck, if you’ve got the money, I’m sure you can find one somewhere.
Add a baseball bat, a Cubs jersey, and fill every pocket with corks, so you can throw them around like little party favors.
That’s right. You’re “Salami Sosa.”
• For someone who wants to really scare people this year:
I shudder at the thought of this one, because it’s truly a walking nightmare. But if you’ve got the guts, go for it.
First, grab your Cubs hat and your Walkman. Throw on a pair of glasses, a green turtleneck, and practice intercepting candy, bobbed-for apples, and anything else that might be heading someone else’s way during this year’s Halloween party.
Get good at ruining everyone else’s good time, and you’ll be “Steve Bartman, aka the foul ball-intercepting, season-ruining, dream-shattering demon.”
Warning: Do not attempt this costume while on the north side of Chicago, or anywhere near the Southern Standard offices.