Now Hear This: Differences between men and women
It is one of the most neglected areas of human existence, and I have concluded, there is an almost total lack of much-needed research on the difference in personal habits of men and women. I have for a long time observed such differences, and found the following to be some of the most common between the male and female. Marital status doesn’t seem to matter.
If Janet, Susie, Laura and Buffy go out for the evening, they will call each other Janet, Susie, Laura and Buffy. If Charlie, Bill, Jake, and George go out for the evening they will refer to each other as Big Guy, Killer, Boozer, and Skipper.
When the check arrives, Charlie, Bill, Jake and George will each throw a $20 on the table. The total was only $35.82, but none of them will have anything smaller than a $20 and no one will say they want change.
When the girls get their bill, out come the calculators!
I have observed a woman usually has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new one.
A woman will dress up to watch a soap opera, talk on the phone, walk to the mailbox, take out the garbage, or read a book. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
A woman knows everything there is to know about her children. How they’re doing in school. What time soccer practice is. The dentist appointment. Their friends, and favorite foods. A man is vaguely aware there are small people living in the house.
I have determined, however, the only thing men and women do have in common is how they look when they wake up. But one of the biggest differences between men and women is in the area of personal hygiene. Take bathing for instance.
HOW WOMEN SHOWER
Take off clothing and place in a sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to the bathroom wearing a long gown. If they see their husband, along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at themselves in the mirror, and make a mental note to do more sit-ups. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, and leg cloth. Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 39 added vitamins. Wash hair again to make sure it’s clean. Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial, and scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa-cake body wash. Rinse conditioner out of hair. Shave armpits and legs with husband’s razor. Turn off shower. Squeeze off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of Texas. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long gown with towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover any exposed areas.
HOW MEN SHOWER
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife, along the way, turn toward her, and stick out your chest with hands on hips.
Look at manly physique in the mirror, scratch bottom and frown. Get in shower. Wash face. Wash armpits.
Blow nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Shampoo hair. Make a shampoo mohawk. Leave body hair stuck to soap bar. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on the floor. Admire manly physique in the mirror once more, and remember when. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, jerk off towel, and stick out chest with hands on hips. Don’t show disappointment when she doesn’t look. Throw wet towel on the bed!
(Hope Hines is a TV sports reporter and a Nashville personality.)