What’s the Word: Tax time is not filled with joy
With income tax time looming on the horizon, I feel inclined to inform everyone how much I love that particular chore. It fills me with the same masochistic glee I feel when I’m getting my teeth drilled.
Maybe it’s because the high whining sound of the drill reminds me of the sound I make when I start trying to deal with the various obscure forms and instructions that direct me to reveal what I really consider pretty private information, after all. I mean, I have to tell them about every cent I’ve earned in the previous year. I wouldn’t think of giving this information to most people. No more than I’d think of blatantly asking someone how much money they make.
But the IRS will ask and not even blush, though sometimes they are quite adept at inducing that rosy cheeked look themselves in taxpayers. But usually the red face doesn’t result from embarrassment, if you know what I mean.
Like most people I guess, I really resent having to do that so casually, and in most cases I simply wouldn’t.
Well, I’d give it to a bank or a loan company I guess. Okay, okay, I’d have to wouldn’t I? Or else they won’t give me any of their money to spend when I don’t have the money, so I can pay them back out of the money I tell them I’m going to make, err, hoping to make, where I’m employed, no matter how tenuously.
It’s a complex system, isn’t it?
But then taxes are a big part of everyone’s financial life all over the earth aren’t they? There are obviously very few places where there are no taxes, since if there were, we’d all be living there, wouldn’t we?
As a word person, I’m fascinated with the language and terminology that has grown up around this noxious yearly task.
(Um, if any IRS agents just happen to be reading this column, though since I’m sure individuals with the mental prowess and innate intelligence and taste IRS agents possess rarely lower themselves to that kind of level, just in case, if you read that last remark, I’d like to say … just kidding!)
One of those words is loophole. That one has to be a favorite of all taxpayers. It generally refers to a legal, or at least quasi-legal, method of getting out of paying some portion of one’s income tax.
Admit it, we all love them when, on that rare occasion, they happen to appear. Everyone pounces on them with a satisfied cackle, milking them for all they’re worth. And they can be worth quite a bit.
The only problem seems to be that, on occasion, one can somehow get caught up in the loop, if you get my drift. Not good. Tax law being the unfathomable labyrinth that it can become from year to year with the myriad changes the IRS makes, many times to close up some of those very loopholes we love to climb into when we get the chance.
We think, ooh, this worked great last year, let’s try it again. I saved a whole twenty bucks.
Then comes the fateful phone call.
“Mr. Taxpayer, tax law 2003.9008w.4007 that allowed the deduction for a financial advisor has been changed to include a list of educational and licensing requirements for said professional which precludes Mr. Joe Smith, who we understand is your brother-in-law who tends bar at Sam’s Bar and Grill, from providing you with billible financial counseling.
“As a result, we regret to inform you there will be an audit of your tax returns for the last seven calendar years. Please tell me when it would be convenient to schedule your first appointment. Oh yes, and please bring all your financial records for the specified period.”
That’s when you start looking for my next favorite tax term.
The tax shelter.
(Charlie Johnson is a reporter for the Standard. He can be reached at 473-2191 or by e-mail at [email protected].)