What’s the Word: A cold can be a chilling experience
It seems if we live in a society that is technologically advanced enough to clone animals, including various mammals, and, if the claims of a bizarre scientific cult hold true, even a human, then we ought to be able to figure out how to cure the common cold.
We’ve been to the moon, after all, and if we can figure out how to blast ourselves off the planet and come back alive, we ought to be able to figure out how to slaughter a few dinky viruses. The experts say there are over 100 different cold viruses, so I say let’s take them one at a time, find some way to bonk ’em hard, and get rid of one of the major minor scourges of humanity.
Now, that may seem like an oxymoron, a major minor scourge, but it isn’t really. Colds are seldom deadly, unlike their cousins the flu viruses, but they can definitely cause a person some real misery and gross aggravation. So most folks would surely agree that even though they are a minor illness, as illnesses go, they are a major hassle when you are suffering through one, as I have been the past week.
No fun, I can tell you. The sore throat, the watery eyes, the incessant cough, the seemingly endless stream of, well, in deference to those with weak stomachs, I won’t go into dealing with the nasal discharge thing, all the honking and blowing and soiled Kleenex.
Suffice it to say, you may think it’s funny, but it’s snot.
You may be wondering what the heck colds have to do with language, since that is ostensibly what my columns are supposed to be about.
Well, quite a lot actually. Some of the terms used to describe the symptoms, and the term cold itself, don’t seem to really fit.
I mean, why do they call it a cold? When you have one you usually wind up feeling hot and feverish, so why don’t they call it a hot? Would make more sense to me. Of course, sometimes you do get the chills along with the fever, so maybe that’s it.
In fact, it’s kind of a weird dichotomy with a cold isn’t it? One minute it’s “oh, I’m burning up” and the next minute it’s “oh, I’m freezing.”
Sort of makes you wish those stupid viruses would make up their minds doesn’t it? I’m still not sure how that works exactly, and I don’t think medical science is all that sure either. Anyway, doesn’t bode well for those of us who like to maintain a fairly constant thermal orientation.
And it can get pretty confusing for anyone fool enough to try and take care of us in the resulting schizoid state, where one minute we’re going, “I’m so cold, bring me another blanket,” and the next hollering, “dang, get this thing off of me, are you trying to smother me?”
I hate to admit it, but guys are the worst culprits for this kind of thing. I swear, guys that can handle a major life-threatening illness with a quiet and stoic resolve, may turn into totally obnoxious helpless whining babies when they get a cold.
Ask any long-suffering wife who has been through this. They know. They also know the only way to survive this is to find some sort of ball game on the tube to keep him occupied and come up with some excuse to go shopping. Telling him they’re having a sale on Nyquil and Kleenex at Rite Aid will usually work.
Just remember to bring home Nyquil and Kleenex or you’ll never hear the end of it.
And here’s another misnomer in cold terminology: the runny nose. Now who the heck came up with that? It drains, doesn’t run at all as far as I can tell. On the other hand, maybe it’s because it’s so easy to catch a cold in the nose. Get it?
Well, hang around somebody with a bad cold long enough and you will.
(Charlie Johnson is a reporter for the Standard. He can be reached at 473-2191 or by e-mail at [email protected].)