The Village Idiot: Forget diamonds, get her a snowplow
I see People magazine’s sexiest man alive Ben Affleck has bought his girlfriend, movie star and singer Jennifer Lopez, a diamond the size of an ice cube for an engagement ring. What is wrong with him? She could poke herself in the eye with that thing while she’s trying to eat. What would Ben buy her then? A diamond eyeball?
That’s why I’ve never given Sue a diamond. It’s a safety issue. She never has to worry about being mugged. She doesn’t have to walk around the farm with a bunch of bodyguards. She won’t be blamed for blinding oncoming traffic while she drives. I’ve saved her from all that. Because, unlike Ben, I care.
For her birthday this year I got her the most romantic gift a man can give a woman. A snowplow blade for the lawn tractor. She’ll never have to clear out the driveway with that old, bent shovel again. Try and do that with your diamond, J-Lo. Even though leaf blowers were on sale and there were good deals on nail guns, I said no, she can wait for our anniversary for that. There was a nice looking chainsaw, but if she doesn’t like it, is that something I want her to be holding?
We have a strict rule at our house. If it removes hair or dirt, it’s not a present. What woman, surrounded by her nearest and dearest after a heartwarming birthday party, wants to rip open the wrapping paper of your gift and see the words “Removes Unsightly Chest Hair!” in big bold letters on the box?
Likewise, no matter how much they cost, fancy vacuum cleaners and carpet steamers are not appropriate. If you think your wife’s a lousy housekeeper, just tell her. There’s no reason to get her a gift that sends that message. Sure, she’ll leave you, but think how much money you’ll save on presents.
Don’t buy things that are hard to wrap. Dry wall. Bait. Snow tires. All thoughtful presents to be sure, but tricky to keep secret. How much wiser to buy a year’s worth of gift certificates to the local cineplex so you can see Ben Affleck and J-Lo movies together. Not only will you be getting out of the house, you’ll be helping Ben pay for that stupid ring.
Wait a minute, you say, a snowplow blade’s hard to wrap. It’s just as much a non-present as a carpet steamer. Yes, but Sue’s been complaining about shoveling the driveway all winter. Why she can’t muscle the car out of the driveway the way I do, I’ll never understand. Some people are just neat freaks, I guess.
No doubt she’s complained about the snow every winter, I just never heard it before. I’m finding out that if you really listen to people, you’ll get all kinds of ideas for presents. Little things they need fixed, gadgets they want, bills they’d like paid, places they’d like to visit, friends they’d like to see. But I’ve yet to hear anyone say, “You know what would make my life better, easier and more fun? A big, useless diamond.”
Still, there are some who say a snowplow blade isn’t a romantic gift at all. There are some who say that I’m just too cheap to get Sue a diamond the size of a duck egg. There are some who say if I’d shovel the driveway for her, she wouldn’t need a snowplow blade. We have a name for those kind of people. They are called “in-laws.”
(Jim Mullen is the author of “It Takes A Village Idiot: A Memoir of Life After the City.”)