The Village Idiot: They came highly recommended
“Lester is the one with the pony tail. Pinky is the bald one.” Pinky and Lester are repairing our barn, and I can never keep their names straight, so, for the umpteenth time, Sue is explaining to me how to tell them apart. I am not good with names. Actually, that’s not true. I remember names very well, I know hundreds of them. It’s remembering which name goes with which face that tricks me up.
But this is partly Pinky and Lester’s fault. If they would show up more than once a month, it would make it easier for me. Lester told me a year ago when they started that once they began, the job would probably take about 10 days. To his credit, he didn’t say 10 “consecutive” days, but one naturally assumes … well, next time I’ll ask.
The good news is they’ve finished up to Day Eight. I don’t think they’re lazy or on drugs. The workmanship is first rate, replacing rotted posts and beams using all old-fashioned mortise and tenon joints, cleaning up after themselves as they go. They work like beavers — when they’re here. It’s what they do when they’re not here that puzzles us.
It’s a game Sue and I play when we’re bored. In our version, they are secretly very wealthy and they just fix things as a hobby, something to do when they feel like it. Pinky and Lester’s tools, table saws and chisels and augers and jacks are all still in the barn. Who but the very wealthy could be so casual about their possessions?
“Belize?” I suggest. Sue shakes her head.
“It’s too warm this time of year. They’re kind of arty. Maybe Prague.”
“No,” I say, “When you’ve got that kind of money, contracting money, I think you’d go some place a little more ritzy. Say Monaco or Majorca.”
“But they’re young, they’re party people. I hear all kinds of wonderful things about being young and single in Iceland. It’s the new Sweden.”
“Capetown or Sidney,” I counter. “When it’s summer here, it’s winter there. They’re probably having a blast fixing some guy’s barn in the Australian outback while it’s wet and muddy here.”
“That would explain so much.”
“What possible explanation could there be?”
“The other explanation could be that they overcharged us and made so much money on the deal that a couple hundred dollars in tools is chicken feed to them but it keeps our fantasy alive they’re coming back so we don’t call the law. One day we’ll read a story in the paper that a gullible, half-witted middle-aged couple with apparently no common sense whatsoever gave a ton of money to two con men posing as contractors with the obviously fictitious names of Pinky and Lester,” Sue spews.
“I prefer my Australian theory,” I said without much conviction.
Just then Pinky and Lester’s pickup pulled into the driveway. I went to the door.
“Lester,” I said, “It’s good to see you. We thought there might have been an accident.”
“I’m Pinky. Lester’s the one with the pony tail. Don’t worry, we get a lot of that. For some reason no one can keep us straight.” Sue starts to cough.
“We just stopped by to tell you we’re running a little behind schedule but we’ll be back over here soon to finish up. And Lester wanted to check on his tools. I trust you guys but you can never be too careful, you know what I mean?”
Jim Mullen contributes regularly to Entertainment Weekly, where he can be reached at jim_mullen@ew.com.