Robservations: Keep sports stars off my cash, please
On July 4, 227 years ago, our forefathers declared their independence from English rule.
After seeing the latest example of just how flaky the Brits can be, I’m even more grateful for that decision.
According to an Associated Press article from Thursday, a third of Britons surveyed by an English magazine are such fans of soccer player David Beckham, they would like to see his face on their money.
That’s right. You read that correctly. A soccer player — on their money.
In Great Britain, you see, the face of Charles Dickens on the 10-pound note has been replaced by Charles Darwin. In a story coinciding with the change, “Virgin Money” magazine conduced a survey of 1,000 people, which concluded 25 percent think historical figures should be replaced with more modern stars, such as the aforementioned soccer sensation.
Twenty-nine percent, by the way, said they’d prefer Winston Churchill on their cash, while 21 percent voted for Princess Diana. William Shakespeare racked up 13 percent, while Catherine Zeta-Jones (you can’t make this stuff up) and singer Robbie Williams (I’ve never heard of him, either) got 8 percent each.
Thank goodness we’re not under their rule anymore. Can you imagine what our cash would look like?
Michael Jordan was great, but I don’t want to fish his wrinkled visage out of my pocket to buy a soda. Call me set in my ways, but I don’t want to have to ask a bank teller to let me have my change back in “two Marinos and a Tiger Woods.”
Modern celebrities don’t belong on things as important as money, simply because of the fact they’re “modern” celebrities. And we all know what can happen to a modern celebrity — they can go from famous to infamous in a heartbeat.
You all know what I’m talking about. You watch “E! True Hollywood Story.”
For instance, what happens when you make the decision to put someone like Beckham on your 10-pound note, then he goes and pulls an O.J.? Or what if you decorate your dollars with the hottest celebrity of the day, and he or she is just a flash in the pan? Wouldn’t you be embarrassed if every time you pulled out a 10-dollar bill, you saw M.C. Hammer staring up at you?
Now you’ve got to exchange all that money, find someone else to put on the bills… it becomes a big hassle.
Just imagine if jolly old England had put Hugh Grant on their cash, back in the “Four Weddings and a Funeral” days. Wouldn’t they have felt silly after his little back-alley rendezvous made all the papers?
That’s why our rule here in America is best — if you want to be on money, you’ve got to be dead. That way, you can’t screw up and go from national icon to national disgrace.
So as for me, I’m proud to have historical figures like Washington, Lincoln and Jackson on my cash. I’d even be proud of whoever is on the $100 bill, if I’d ever seen one. (Did you catch that subtle jab at the holders of the Southern Standard purse strings?)
The bottom line is this. Sometimes you have to go against people’s wishes to protect their best interests. And David Beckham’s athletic accomplishments may be great, but they’re not reason enough to put his face on a nation’s legal tender.
Although, Beckham is married to “Posh” from the Spice Girls. Surely that’s an accomplishment worthy of being put on at least a coin or something, isn’t it?