The Village Idiot: The magic found in movies
Ahmad Rashard Wright
Drugs, guns and money seized from suspected marijuana dealer. (TCPD photo)
Ahmad Rashard Wright
Drugs, guns and money seized from suspected marijuana dealer. (TCPD photo)
I was in Smalley’s Video store around New Year’s when a housewifey-looking woman came in to return a stack of tapes. She was 35ish, short hair, perky — an average-looking small-town mom. Mrs. Smalley asked her if she liked any of the videos she was returning.
“Well, I liked ‘I Cut Out The Lying Cheat’s Heart with A Dull Knife’ but ‘Make It Look Like an Accident’ was unwatchable. No one would believe ‘that’ was an accident. There were a few good parts in ‘Crawl, Beg and Die’ but ‘Stab Him Silly’ had no production values.”
“Yeah,” said Mrs. Smalley, “I don’t think anyone gave that two thumbs up.”
“That reminds me,” said the customer, “is ‘Hang Him By His Thumbs’ still out?”
Did I say housewife? I meant prison escapee. I hid behind the Hollywood Comedies rack and tried to get a closer look at her. Was she armed? Was she wearing blood splattered clothes? I pretended to be engrossed in reading the cover of “Singing in the Rain” but moved close enough to hear the conversation. “Did ‘May Dismember Wedding’ come in?” she asked Mrs. Smalley. “No? How about ‘Woodchipper Momma’? or ‘Meat Grinder Madness’?”
All were blessedly unavailable at this time. Or Mrs. Smalley was taking the law into her own hands and protecting this woman’s not-long-for-this-world husband.
I thought it was time for me to step in.
“Do you have ‘You’ll Never Get Away With It’? or ‘The Long Arm of the Law’? How about ‘For God’s Sake Get Some Counseling Before You Do Something Crazy’? Did I ever return ‘Think of the Children’ and ‘She Swung at Dawn’?
The woman stared at me. She shook her head and muttered in disgust, “Chick flicks.”
She looked at her watch and said, “I’ll just take these then, ‘May Worms Eat His Innards’ and ‘Bad Women, Good Lawyers.'”
“If you rent three you get a free two-liter bottle of soda,” Mrs. Smalley said, “Maybe something for the kids.”
“These are for the kids,” said the woman. “You think I got time to sit around all day and watch movies? And who would clean the house? The cleaning fairy? And who would do the wash? The washing fairy? And who would cook the food?”
“The cooking fairy?” volunteered Mrs. Smalley.
“That’s right, that’s what they think. The cooking fairy. I don’t have a family, I have human pets. They’d starve to death if I didn’t feed them and clean out their litter box. If I didn’t take them to obedience school they’d chase cars.”
The woman picked up her videos and walked out.
“Who was that?” I asked Mrs. Smalley.
“Jane Henderson. Don’t you know her? She and her husband run the Bread and Breakfast down on Water Street. You know, the one with the sign that says ‘A weekend here is like a week anywhere else.'”
More like a year, I would think. I keep a close eye on the Police Blotter now but there have been no suspicious, widow-making accidents reported. But “I Chopped Him Up and Buried Him in the Basement” is always checked out at the video store.
(Jim Mullen is the author of “It Takes A Village Idiot: A Memoir of Life After the City.” He also contributes regularly to Entertainment Weekly, where he can be reached at [email protected].)