The Village Idiot: Is car or radio more important?
There are several car commercials running on television now that show people dancing in the front seat of their cars. As if this is the big reason you should buy a brand new $33,000 car. So you can get a $500 sound system. Good deal, huh? The commercials don’t say anything about the car’s reliability, its safety features or its gas mileage. Come to think of it, the commercials don’t say anything about the car at all. It’s completely silent except for the dance music.
The times I need to dance in the front seat of my car are pretty rare. That time I saw the cops ticketing that guy a few minutes after he flew past me while weaving in out of traffic was a happy moment, but not enough to make me dance. Besides, the seat belt makes it difficult.
Buying a car for the sound system is like buying a house for the air conditioner. If you like music that much, you could take a taxi to a nightclub and save yourself, oh $32,500.
If “not” talking about the car is the way to sell cars, why don’t they show a middle-aged woman in the front seat roasting a chicken? If that doesn’t say “Buy this car,” what does? Or have an elderly guy in the passenger seat swinging a golf club — it would make as much sense.
And why is every SUV commercial filmed out in the middle of the dessert? I’m trying to think of the last time I went driving off road in the middle of the dessert. Oh yeah. Never. Where would I get gas out there? What I need is a car that can get me to the mall, not a car that can get me to the Gobi Desert and back.
SUV commercials also like to show a lot of people rock climbing. It’s almost as popular as showing people dancing. I saw a 350 pound guy climb out of an SUV the other day. Rocks would scream if he ever climbed on them. If he climbed Mount Everest it would compress about 2 feet. If people like that climbed Mount Everest, how long would it be before it was the shortest mountain in the world? But you never see that guy in the car commercial. It’s always some skinny rock-climber dude wearing skintight spandex with a butt so tight you could crack walnuts on it. Between the gym and rock climbing, where would this guy find the time to make enough money to buy a car?
They never show you real things in car commercials. No one’s ever stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic in a car commercial. No one drives round and round in circles looking for a parking space in car commercials. No, in the commercials they’re all on a wide-open, empty road doing 107 mph without a care in the world. They never show people making obscene gestures at you in the car commercials. As if that never happens in Detroit.
Me, I’d like to hear something real, something honest about the car itself. Want to sell me a car? Tell me there’s a gadget that will automatically turn off the left blinker after 10 minutes. Tell me there’s a big arrow on the dashboard that tells me what side of the car the gas tank is on. I can never remember. Offer me a windshield made with prescription glass.
How about a gadget on the dashboard that tells me where the nearest available open parking space is at the mall? I’d also like a thing on the key chain that when I push it, my car sends up a signal flare, making it easy for me to find in the gigantic airport long-term parking lot. And little dividers in the back seat that keep my grocery bags from falling over and spilling would be nice. Those are things I might pay $30,000 for. Important things, not silly things like radios.
(Jim Mullen is the author of “It Takes A Village Idiot: A Memoir of Life After the City.” He also contributes regularly to Entertainment Weekly, where he can be reached at [email protected].)