Now Hear This: I’m tired of living by the rules
All my life, I’ve been living by rules. Usually somebody else’s.
First there were mama’s rules. And since mama ruled daddy, I learned real quick who made all the rules, in all the houses, in the world.
Then my teachers had rules. Every Sunday the preacher shouted out rules. In sports I had to play by the rules. Along the way I was taught the rules of good conduct. In the work place, there are certain company, and employee rules – not to mention all the rules of society.
Have I ever broken any of those rules? You bet your bippy I have! And another thing ? I’m worn out with political correctness too.
Did I fail to mention I’ve also been under the rule of the same woman for 30 years. Today I’m rebelling!
My protest is against all the rules of the opposite sex. Where does it say females get to make all the rules? Back me up guys. It’s time we laid down some rules for the womenfolk.
THE RULES
• Let us be very clear on this one: Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work – just say it.
• The toilet seat: You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us griping about you leaving it down, do you?
• Hair: Don’t cut your hair. EVER! Men love long hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is married women always cut their hair.
• Dates: We don’t remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. And this is very important. Remind us frequently beforehand.
• “Yes,” and “no” are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
• Come to us with a problem – only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
• Crying is blackmail!
• Anything we said two weeks ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.
• If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
• You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know how best to do it, then do it yourself.
• Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
• All men see only six colors. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
• We are not mind readers, and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
• If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it’s not worth the hassle.
• If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
• When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you choose to wear is fine. Really!
• Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as the “shotgun formation,” or can Dale Earnhardt, Jr. win his first NASCAR championship.
Well, that’s about it. Except for this. I’m also tired of most of the country songs being about females.
So, I came up with this song title. It’s my final salvo of rebellion: “If you need me I’ll call you, and if the phone don’t ring you’ll know it’s me!”
(Hope Hines is a television sports reporter and a Nashville personality.)