Now Hear This: I’m not handy around the house
My marriage is in trouble. Well, kinda.
I’ve needed to confess for some time that I need help. OK here it is. There are some TV cable shows I just can’t watch.
One in particular. I get upset. My male ego is destroyed, leaving me a bundle of self-pity. The problem is it’s one of my wife’s favorite shows, and she pleads for me to watch it with her. It’s on the Home and Garden Network for goodness sakes. She thinks if I watch it long enough, I’ll get inspired.
That’s not all. She constantly reminds me how our good friend Jack (married to another Pat) not only does all of those things around his house, “for his wife,” but he built a garden pond, a deck, a flower garden AND a vegetable garden.
But, I can pick out flowers and sweetheart cards, at Kroger, with the best of them. And, I take my wife to the Waffle House once a week.
OK! I admit it. I am not good around the house. I am not your average fix-it kind of husband. And to make me sit and watch some guy explain how to refinish furniture, install crown-molding, select colors for the kitchen, install plumbing, add a sun-room to your house, or turn your garden into a show place, is cruel and inhumane treatment of a home-and-garden-challenged husband.
I have a hard time remembering if you screw the water hose to the left or the right on the faucet. I am a handy man’s dream come true.
I can’t participate in conversations with others whose joy and talent is repairing, and installing things at home. I have no points of reference, therefore nothing to contribute.
I did read an article in Reader’s Digest one day in the doctor’s office. It was about how to define and select the basic tools you need for simple jobs around the house. I put it down and started reading Sports Illustrated.
Someone sent my wife a bird house in the mail. I opened it only to find directions on how to assemble the contents. I immediately knew what I must do. I sent it back.
Please, give me nothing I have to figure out and put together. My inability to read and understand basic instructions is so bad I always had to hire Santa’s helpers at Christmas time to put our children’s toys together.
Here’s a list of what I can do:
• Put in a light bulb (also turn the switch on and off).
• Set a mouse trap (with cheese).
• Use a commode plunger ( I really prefer not to).
•?Vacuum (but not while there’s a game on TV. Any game).
• Take out the trash (but not while there’s a game on TV. Any game).
• Do windows (but not while there’s a game on TV. Any game).
• Change bed covers (but never by myself).
• Load the dishwasher (but not while ?).
• Dig a hole for a bush or plant. (as long as my wife tells me where, and how deep).
• Rake leaves (but not while ?).
• Clean gutters (I did that once. Almost fell off the ladder. “No more gutters for you,” my wife said).
Well, there you have it. Pretty exhausting list I’d say. If only my wife would appreciate me for the “simple” things I do.
Does anybody know a good marriage counselor ? who can fix things around the house.
(Hope Hines is a sports reporter and Nashville personality.)