Dear Prudence: Is ‘divorced’ man really divorced?
Dear Prudie: I was engaged a couple of months ago to a man I could not marry. I loved him, but it was not working out. After calling it off with him, I started seeing a man I’ve had a crush on since the minute I met him. Things were good in the beginning — not perfect, but good.
He is divorced with two children, and he’s five years older than I am. (He is 28, and I am 23.) His children are 8 and 6, and while I know I am not ready to be a mother, I am willing to have them be part of my life because I want their father to be part of mine.
The problem is that he is so distant. He refused to get a phone for the first four months we were seeing each other, and since he’s gotten one, he never answers it; he leaves the ringer turned off. He also blows me off on the weekends, without even a call to explain why he isn’t coming. He has done this for the past month. I am writing this as I wait for him again. When I tell him this isn’t acceptable, he apologizes and says it won’t happen again . . . but then it does.
The other problem is I keep hearing that people are seeing him with his wife and kids in town, when he tells me he can’t stand the woman. I know I should stop seeing him, but when we are together, it’s so good. In our four months together, I haven’t met his kids or any of his family. Should I confront him and give our “relationship” another try, or just dump him and move on?
— Beyond Blown Off
Dear Be: Are you sure he’s even divorced? Be that as it may, it is clear to an outsider that this isn’t going anywhere. You are mooning over a man you say is “distant.” Prudie would call him inaccessible. Do you know a lot of people without a phone? Or people who get one and then won’t answer it? The weekends should have been the deal breaker. The guy is an iceberg, and you have seen more than the tip. Row, row, row your boat, my dear, and get far away.
— Prudie, absolutely
Dear Prudence: My mom is a very caring woman, but whenever she comes over, either to visit or to pick up my 12-year-old, she sticks her finger in my plants (checking for water), walks around my house (checking for cleanliness), etc.
Growing up, my mom had a full-time job, but when it was time for dinner, she had a full table — meat, veggies, fruit . . . the ultimate dinner. Now that I am a mother, she often comments on the state of my house. I know she cares, but how do I tell her tactfully that I am independent, she raised me well, and I am OK?
— M.C.J.
Dear M.: Take it from someone who knows from problems — this is not even on the chart. Your mom’s habit of being the housekeeping police is ingrained and really quite benign. Try to laugh it off, and don’t let it annoy you. This is a somewhat common mother-daughter dynamic. Prudie’s own mother, for example, used to sigh that Prudie’s children were raised by wolves.
You are old enough to know that she did it her way, you’re doing it your way, and never the twain shall meet. The way to see this situation, my dear, is with humor. Or at the very least, when she is checking for plant moisture or dust, do the mental equivalent of “la, la, la, la, la, la, la.”
— Prudie, obliviously
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Dear Prudence is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to [email protected]. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.