Changing sports for ?Roid users

We?re not going to get into a theological debate here today. That?s by no means the intent of your friendly, tolerant, open-minded yet controversy-free sports columnist.

But without getting into any overly serious topics, let?s just state for the record that evolution does exist ? at least in the world of sports.

Think back to 25, 20 or even 10 years ago, and you?ll see what I mean. Statistics in every sport that seemed insurmountable in years past are shattered on a regular basis nowadays.

Why? Because those sports have evolved.

In some cases, sports evolve because of new training techniques. When basketball players started spending time in the weight room, they became stronger; giving them more stamina, more minutes on the floor and more points in the process.

Baseball and golf equipment has evolved with the times, and as a result drives are longer, putts are made more frequently and home runs fly farther than ever before.

But for some athletes ? including, the sad news today alleges, the new Tour de France champion ? natural and technological evolution isn?t fast enough. So they go the ?chemical? route, and mutate themselves via pharmaceuticals.

I?ve used this space time and again to deride the use of steroids, or any other performance-enhancers. But so far it hasn?t worked. So let?s take this issue in the other direction, and just change sports so they?ll apply to today?s juiced-up, pumped-up performers.

First and foremost, we?ll start with baseball. Sure, it?s a game any average 6-year-old can understand, and almost everyone can play well with a little practice. But for those juicers out there, we?ll have to raise the bar a little.

So we?ll form a new league, ?Maxed-out Major League Baseball,? for those who are on the cream, the clear or whatever else they take. With 500-foot outfield fences, 120 feet between bases and a pitchers? mound 75 feet away from home plate, these bohemoths can blast all the long balls they want, while crowds of bench-pressing, chest-thumping gym rats scream their approval ? until all their livers fail, that is. Boy, that?s going to cut into beer sales.

For those wiry cyclists, who pump up on testosterone and any other kind of dope they can find to make them pedal up the Alps a little faster, let?s see how fast they go on unicycles.

Hey, Armstrong beat cancer to win that race. Surely they can wobble their way through those mountain turns on one wheel.

Of course, when the inevitable big pile-up happens, the rage caused by the psychological damage brought on by steroids will probably result in a few homicides. But don?t worry, they?re way over in Europe. Let the French handle the prosecution.

Do we have enough boxers and wrestlers on the juice to form a league? Great. But let?s make it ?Thunderdome? style fighting. Two men enter, one man leaves, and there are that many more steroids available for the rest of the players.

Of course, there?s a down side to these ideas. With steroids allowed in leagues, there?s a slim chance of any second-generation players like Barry Bonds, Ken Griffey Jr., Peyton Manning or Brett Hull.

Because from what I?ve read about that stuff?s affect on the reproductive system, there?s probably not going to be a second generation.