Adultery OK, just don’t be gay
Nevermind the hand-wringing. The simple truth is that everybody loves a good sex scandal.
That was the great value of the Clinton/Lewinsky episode to the Republicans, until they got nasty and spoiled the fun. Generally, however, the more sanctimonious the sinner, the bigger the laughs. Some enterprising bookie in Las Vegas ought to open a betting pool on which “Family Values” Republican will be next to atone for Kenneth Starr’s sins.
If there is any justice, it’ll be one of Sen. Larry “Wide Stance” Craig’s GOP colleagues, who elbowed each other aside like roller derby contestants racing to the TV cameras to urge the poor dope to resign: John McCain (Arizona), Mitch McConnell (Kentucky) or Trent Lott (Mississippi). So long, Wide Stance, don’t let the stall door hit you on the butt.
Mitt Romney would be another fine candidate for public humiliation. Here’s a guy who’s changed his mind on every imaginable “Family Values” issue, from abortion to gay marriage. Before he’s done, I expect Romney to claim he was governor of Utah rather than Massachusetts.
By contrast, Sen. David Vitter, R-La., reportedly got a standing ovation from his Republican colleagues after being forced to apologize for “the very serious sin” of patronizing prostitutes. Female prostitutes, see, which makes all the difference. Where would Washington be without hookers?
Today’s GOP is all about what I call “heterosexual panic.” About half the abusive e-mails and 100 percent of the anonymous calls this column generates deal in sexual insult. Remember when President Bush swaggered across the flight deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln on “Mission Accomplished” Day in 2003? If it wasn’t embarrassing enough hearing conservative pundits swooning over a 57-year-old politician in a Village People costume, some actually marveled at how well Capt. Codpiece filled his flight suit.
During the Lewinsky affair, I happened to be teaching a course on George Orwell. “1984” became a different book: less about “War is Peace” and the “Two Minutes Hate” than about a middle-aged man who had a fling with a young thing at the office that destroyed them both. A very deliberate writer, Orwell knew nothing would horrify English readers more than Big Brother peering into their bedrooms.
Today, we take media voyeurism for granted. The celebrity cult exalts figures like Paris Hilton partly for the joy of tearing them down. In that spirit, let’s recall Sen. Wide Stance’s televised condemnation of Bill Clinton as a “nasty, bad, naughty boy,” whom Godly Idaho citizens wanted impeached before consigning him to the Closeted Gay Republican Hall of Fame, along with Rep. Mark Foley, the Rev. Ted Haggard and whoever in the Bush White House arranged daily press passes for Jeff Gannon, male “escort” and make-believe journalist.
So how come Wide Stance has to resign while Vitter gets a standing-O? The same reason Republican serial adulterers escorting trophy wives younger than their children are seen as upstanding exemplars of “Family Values.” Rudy Giuliani and Newt Gingrich’s marital histories make Bill Clinton look downright staid.
Because most voters aren’t gay, exploiting bigotry costs Republicans little. Also because the only “morality” these hairy-chested fakers know is the morality of the closet: founded in hypocrisy and nurtured in dark, secret places.
Arkansas Democrat-Gazette columnist Gene Lyons can be reached by e-mail at [email protected].