Getting a taste of candy bar sales

I?ve become that guy. After poking fun at friends and co-workers for years, I found myself carrying around a box of candy bars yesterday to sell for a school fundraiser.

For those of you who have never experienced this joy, let me tell you it?s exactly as much fun as it looks. It?s no fun at all.

I wouldn?t rank it as low as going to the dentist or falling off a ladder, but it?s safe to say toting around 50 candy bars and pressuring people to buy those candy bars won?t soon become one of my hobbies.

I thought about buying all 50 candy bars myself to avoid all the hassle, but I normally struggle to restrain myself when there?s just one candy bar in the house. If there were suddenly 50, I?m afraid Cupcake would discover me passed out on the floor from a chocolate overdose, possibly with a lamp shade on my head.

Fortunately, Benjamin didn?t share my candy bar skepticism. Apparently well coached by school officials, he was more than ready to start selling.

As you might expect, when he skipped up to me with his unopened box, his first request was for $1. And yes, he did eat the first candy bar. Only 49 more to go. I was halfway tempted to see if Benjamin could choke down another one before realizing a 6-year-old doesn?t need to eat two king-sized candy bars at once.

I could tell Benjamin had been practicing his straightforward sales technique. I heard him repeating it in the back seat of the car: ?Would you like to buy one candy bar for $1??

That?s when I decided to throw him a curveball.

?That sounds good Benjamin, but how much will it cost if I want to buy three candy bars?? I asked.

?That will be $1? he said.

Hmmm, I sense trouble in his candy bar paradise.

I didn?t think it would be appropriate for Benjamin to sell his candy bars at school because, after all, so-called junk food is not allowed in K-5 vending machines. In an effort to fight obesity, diabetes and other diet-related ailments, the state of Tennessee has passed stringent guidelines about what can and can?t be sold at school.

I can?t help but notice a train-sized loophole in this new policy. You can?t buy a Snickers from a vending machine, but kindergartner students are encouraged to walk around with a box of 50 candy bars. I see an area which could use tightening.

But nutrition and inadequate school funding are topics for another day. My main concern was getting rid of the 49 candy bars left in Benjamin?s box.

So I carried the box up here to the Standard office yesterday and soon discovered I had been beaten to the punch. Another student had made the rounds on Wednesday and attacked my main customer base. Standard employees had absorbed their chocolate limit, or so I was told. I thought this was odd, especially for a group that hovered for days around a chocolate fountain in the break room.

Things quickly returned to normalcy when Benjamin bounced into the office after school. That?s when I discovered the best sales pitch is a charming little boy.

People who stonewalled my efforts didn?t hesitate to whip out their wallets when it was Benjamin holding the chocolate. He was selling three and four bars at a time. At one point I saw him trying to make change for a $20.

There?s an old saying that claims, ?You learn something new each day? and that statement is largely untrue. But I did learn something yesterday. When it comes to chocolate sales, it works out best if I?m not that guy.

James Clark is editor of the Standard. He can be reached at 473-2191 or by e-mail at [email protected].