There are reasons man law exists

While some folks may laugh at the commercials on TV in which several male celebrities sit around the table creating ?man law? regarding things a man should do, the whole idea is actually based on fact seeing as men do have a code of conduct, the violation of which can bring reproach upon the offender.

It may seem silly, but there?s a good reason for this unwritten law for men, the most outstanding reason being that it is meant to keep us from completely having our spirit stolen away by the stronger sex, that being, the female.

All of us men know there is a war going on out there between the sexes, with the goal of women being to turn us into pink-wearing, shopping-bag-toting, Oprah-watching, hot-apple-pie-baking sissy boys. It they had their way we?d be giggling like school girls, doing each other?s hair and nails.

If not for man law, men could be standing around, modeling dresses for our wives at clothing stores or even worse, getting teary-eyed at the theater during a chick flick, only to come out all puffy eyed after watching something like ?Steel Magnolias.? Yes, given the chance, women would have our manhood stripped, treating us as slaves with our only uses being the siring of their children and reaching things on the top shelf.

Therefore, we as men have a set code, which, if violated, brings ostracism and tribulation from other men. Seeing I fear a visit from the man police late at night, I will only give you a taste of the ?real man law? as it relates to entertainment.

For instance, if you will notice, men who attend a movie in pairs always leave a seat between one another. Call it homophobia or being just a good ole redneck, but most guys will do this. Look and see next time at the movies. It?s unwritten man law. Now, if there are three guys together, then the requirement is null and void. However, there can still be no sharing of sodas.

Staying on movie etiquette, it is never permissible for a full-grown man to cry at the movie, even if Old Yeller dies at the end. If you do in fact find a point when you must cry, you must hide it from the general public and you sure as heck don?t walk out all puffy eyed where everyone and their cousins can see you. Sure, women say it is ?refreshing? to see a man show his emotions, but they only say this because they know it?s a sign you are weakening and coming around to their way of thinking. At this point you are only a double latte away from wearing fuzzy pink slippers around the house.

Can you watch soap operas? Well, you?re dancing on the edge there, but yes, you may watch soaps so long as you watch them within the privacy of your own home with only immediate family members, sworn to secrecy, as witnesses, thereby giving you deniability. You may not discuss what happened to Bo and Hope in the last episode with your friends in public like you?re at some kind of quilting party. Also, if soap operas are being discussed in front of you and you know all about the ongoing plot, you should plead ignorance and change the subject to football with a segue something to the tune ?How about them Bears.?

How about off-Broadway musicals? Once again, if you can fake illness or schedule a softball tournament at the same time, I?d encourage you to do so. However, if you are roped into going with your girl, which they have ways of influencing even the toughest guy, then please, whatever you do, make sure that what happens at TPAC stays at TPAC. Even if you must place tape over your lips, do not go out humming the theme to ?Grease? or ?Rent.?

While this may seem silly, guys must hang together or surely we will hang from the laundry line separately.

Duane Sherrill is a reporter for the Standard. He can be reached at 473-2191 or by e-mail at [email protected].