A tale of Jethro and Saint Peter

When discussing the Bible ‘ particularly in our neck of the woods, the Bible Belt South ‘ one must use extreme caution. It is metaphorically akin to dismantling a bomb: one wrong move and it blows up in your face. However, a little humor never hurt anyone. That said, let’s treat the following as a ‘humorous parable.’

One day, Saint Peter heard a knock at the Pearly Gates. Lo and behold, when Saint Peter opened the Gates, he found standing there one Jethro Bodine, clad in traditional brogan boots, worn flannel shirt, home-spun jeans, far too short, a twine string for a belt.

‘Can I help you’? Saint Peter asked.

‘Yeah,’ Jethro said, ‘I’d like to be admitted through the Pearly Gates into Heaven.’

‘Well, your timing is perfect,’ Saint Peter offered.

‘How’s that’? Jethro asked.

‘Because mankind has become so decrepitly wicked, we have lowered our standards for entrance into the Eternal Kingdom. All you have to do is correctly answer three questions. Now, two of the questions are fairly simple. However, I must warn you that one is quite difficult.’

‘Let’s get ‘er done!’ Jethro gleefully exclaimed.

‘Question No. 1,’ Saint Peter commenced, is this: ‘In a seven-day week, two days begin with the letter T. What are they’?

‘Shucks, that’s an easy-un: today and tomorrow.’

Saint Peter frowned a bit. ‘Actually, the answer is Tuesday and Thursday, but, to be completely fair about it, I can’t say your answer was absolutely incorrect, so I’m going to pass you on to the second question, which is this: ‘Here, in Heaven, we refer to the board of directors as the Trinity, also known as the Father, Son & Holy Ghost. Many centuries ago, the Son lived on earth as a man and sacrificed himself so that people such as yourself could have a chance at eternal salvation. What name did he go by during his time on earth’?

‘Andy,’ Jethro proudly answered.

‘Andy?!’ Saint Peter retorted, shaking his head, annoyed. ‘How on earth ‘??no pun intended ‘ did you come up with Andy’?

‘When I’s a boy, and went to church with my granny and Uncle Jed, we use to sing a song about him that went like this: and he walks with me/and he talks with me/and he tells me that I am his own ‘

‘I’ve heard enough!’ Saint Peter interrupted. ‘The answer I was looking for is Jesus, but, once again, you have managed to slip by. Since you’re such a clever one, let’s see how you answer this last, and most difficult, question. In a 365-day year, exactly how many seconds are there’?

‘Wee-doggies, that’s the easiest-un yet!’ Jethro howled. ‘There’s 12 seconds in a whole year.’

‘And just how would that be, Mr. Math Genius’? Saint Peter asked, condescendingly, feeling certain he had tripped up Jethro with the final question.

‘Well,’ Jethro replied, starting with his thumb, ‘there’s the second of January, second of February, second of March, second of April, second of May, second of June, second of ‘

‘Stop it-stop it-stop it!’ Saint Peter screamed, jumping up and down on both feet. ‘Badly as I hate to admit it, you, indeed, have skunked me with your corn-fed, hillbilly wit. In all fairness, and due process, I am forced to admit you into Heaven.’

So, Saint Peter stepped aside as Jethro walked through the Pearly Gates into the Kingdom.

‘You know something, Saint Peter,’ Jethro said, grinning ear-to-ear.

‘What?!’ Saint Peter snapped back, slamming the Gates shut.

‘My Uncle Jed always told me that my sixth-grade education would pay off.’

Mike Vinson can be reached at [email protected].