Giving friend money not answer
Dear Annie: I have a good friend of 27 years who always has financial issues. “Kay” is married to a pretty controlling man. She ran up several credit cards years ago, and her husband paid them off. After that, he had her paycheck go directly into his bank account, and he gives her $300 a month for gas, expenses, clothing, etc.
Well, Kay has run up the credit cards again, and has written checks to payday-loan places that charge a lot of interest if she’s late. Kay cannot make the payments, and the credit-card companies are calling daily. Her credit is horrible, and none of those credit-fix companies will even speak to her. Her husband, of course, has no knowledge of this.
Here’s my problem. Over the past few months, I have given Kay several thousand dollars to help her out of her various messes. However, she seems to be digging herself deeper and deeper, and I know that I am her only source of funds.
I am really uncomfortable when we talk, because every conversation turns to her financial problems. I always feel she is indirectly asking me for more money. I think I’ve already given her too much. I love Kay as a friend, and when we aren’t discussing money, we can have a lot of fun.
How can I be supportive while cutting off the money? — Friend in Credit
Dear Friend: You are not helping Kay by giving her money, you are only postponing the inevitable. She needs to control her spending (which undoubtedly includes psychological components related to her husband).
If Kay asks you for money, tell her “sorry,” and give her the number of the National Foundation for Credit Counseling (nfcc.org) at 1-800-388-2227 to straighten out her finances, and then tell her to contact Debtors Anonymous (debtorsanonymous.org) at P.O. Box 920888, Needham, MA 02492-0009. Then you’ll be a real friend.
Dear Annie: My problem is with my husband of four years. Three or four times a year, “Ted” blows up. I never know when it’s going to happen or why. Ted is generally a wonderful guy except for these temper tantrums. Last time it was because it took him 45 minutes to mow the lawn.
When Ted is out of control, he screws up his whole face and spits out sentences punctuated very liberally with profanities. (He rarely swears otherwise.) The more he talks, the more upset he becomes. He then shuts down and won’t speak to me for days. When he feels better, he expects to continue as if nothing happened.
After the last incident, I said I would not converse with him until I got an apology, but the best he could come up with was, “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
Every time this happens, it takes me longer to recover. I am afraid for our marriage. What can I do? — Mrs. Jekyll-Hyde
Dear Mrs. J-H: You have reason to be afraid. Ted is a lit fuse. First, ask him to see his doctor for a complete physical to be certain he doesn’t have a neurological problem. Then insist that he take anger-management classes and attend counseling sessions with you. If he refuses, see a counselor on your own.
Dear Stepmother: Your head is in the right place, but without Bruce in your corner, you are doomed to be the bad guy. The person you need to convince is your husband. These decisions should be made jointly, but this is Bruce’s only child, and he is not going to be rational about it and you are not going to win. Be careful.
Dear Annie: My 18-year-old sister’s baby was stillborn. I am 29, and the problem is, my cousin and I are both now pregnant. When my cousin and I are together we like to talk about hearing our babies’ heartbeats, doctors’ appointments, etc., but recently, my mom approached me and said, “You know your sister lost her baby and you really need to stop talking about your pregnancy.”
My cousin and I went to the baby’s funeral and we mourned, but our babies are very much alive. We are excited. How can we gently tell my sister that we are sorry for her, but it’s time for us to rejoice? Are we wrong? Should we stop talking and pretend that our babies don’t exist? — Proud Moms To Be in New York
Dear Proud Moms: You should try to show more sensitivity for your sister’s loss. Of course you are excited about your pregnancy, but you should tone it down when your sister can hear you. It will be hard enough for her when the babies are born, and she will have to find a way to deal with that. Please don’t make it harder now.
Dear Annie: Please tell your readers to slow down when leaving a phone number on an answering machine. Some people rattle off the number so quickly that I have to replay the message a few times to understand it. If it’s a long message, I really resent it. — Sharon
Dear Sharon: This is a common pet peeve, and with cell phones so ubiquitous, sometimes the message is partially inaudible. Please, folks, the people on the other end of the line are not as familiar with your phone number as you are. Speak slowly, clearly, and repeat.