Jokes with a-peel
On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone: “Get me a coffee and a banana for breakfast and make it snappy!”
The voice from the other side responded, “You fool you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to?”
“No,” replied the trainee, “but I really would like some coffee and a banana.”
“It’s the CEO of the company, and that banana is about to be the least of your troubles.”
The trainee shouts back, “And do YOU know who YOU are talking to?”
“No,” replied the CEO indignantly.
“Good,” replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.
———
A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out – a caterer, band, and bananas for everyone. She even hired a clown.
Just before the party started, two bums noticed the bananas and came looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them she would give them five bananas each if they will help chop some wood for her.
Grateful, they headed to the rear of the house.
The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn’t shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.
The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She even told banana jokes, but that didn’t work either.
As luck would have it, she happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air.
She spoke to the other bum and said, “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I’ve never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50.”
The other bum says, “Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. Hey Willie! For $50 would you chop off another toe?”
———
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver’s license?
Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my fifth DUI.
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There’s a body in the trunk!!
Driver: Yes, sir.
Officer: Then why are you just sitting here calmly eating a banana?
Driver: I’m hungry.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It’s valid.
Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in there?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened, no body.
Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, there was a body in the trunk, and you were sitting here calmly eating a banana.
Driver: Yeah, and I’ll bet the big liar told you I was speeding too!
———
A young wife, her boorish husband and a good-looking sailor were ship wrecked on an island and had been there for quite some time. They had been surviving on a diet of bananas and coconuts.
One morning the sailor climbed a tall banana tree and yelled – “Stop kissing her down there!”
“What’s the matter with you?” asked the husband after the sailor came back down. “We weren’t doing anything.”
“Sorry,” said the sailor. “From up there it looked like you were passionately kissing.”
Every morning after that, the sailor scaled the tall banana tree and yelled the same thing. Finally, the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.
“By golly, he’s right,” said the husband. “It DOES look like they’re kissing down there.”
———
A man walks into a store and asks where he can find the bananas.
“This isn’t a grocery store,” said the sales clerk. “This is a shoe store. We don’t sell bananas.”
Dejected, the man was about to leave. But on his way out the door, he decided to try on a pair of shoes.
“How do they feel?” asks the clerk.
“Well they feel a bit tight,” replied the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the man’s feet. “Try pulling the tongue out,” the clerk says.
“Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth.”
———
A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.
The pharmacist recommends that the man eat a banana a day for his health. Then he promptly reaches out and slaps the man’s face.
“What the heck did you do that for?” the man screams.
“Well, you don’t have the hiccups anymore do you?”
The man says, “No I don’t, you idiot ? but my wife out in the car still does!”