The Village Idiot: Ads are around every corner
After a public outcry, the honchos at Major League Baseball decided not to let the “Spider-Man 2” movie put ads on the bases themselves. Some things are sacred. Why, if they allowed advertising in places like Coors Field, Qualcomm Stadium, Minute Maid Park or Network Associates Coliseum it might cheapen the entire sport.
Besides, a tiny Spider-Man logo on the bag might distract fans from the 20-foot-tall beer, shaving and cell phone ads along the outfield fence. And it would be a moral affront to all the people in the stands wearing T-shirts and hats splashed with company logos and brand names and pictures of rock stars. They might miss the ad on the ticket stub that can be used as a coupon to get 50 cents off special items at the local big-box store. Fans might miss the ad on the paper hot dog tray for the place that will change your oil and give you a free lube job for only $19.95.
Advertising on the bases? An outrage! Please! Stop! Laughing! By the way, this post-game paragraph was brought to you by a subdivision of a giant multi-national brewer.
We see so many ads that, like common viruses, we develop an immunity to them. So advertisers are always looking for new spots, new ways to get their message across. Eighteen-wheel trucks that used to be painted white or silver are now huge rolling billboards. It keeps painters employed and the trucks neat so what’s the harm?
I’m bringing this up because it strikes me that one place where advertising might break new ground and also benefit consumers is in the funeral trade. Why can’t the dearly departed’s favorite beer or his favorite team help sponsor his final rest? Let’s say a baseball fan dies. He may not want Spider-Man on the bases, but surely he wouldn’t mind having the Expos logo plastered all over the side of his coffin. Especially if it lowered the price. Remember those telephones in the shape of footballs? Why not get buried in one? With plastics we can make containers in any shape at all. Imagine a giant 6-foot-tall beer can lying on its side. The lid lifts up like top of a barbecue grill. Inside is the man who drank two six-packs of the stuff every night while watching sports from his 500-channel satellite dish.
A college football fan could get a coffin in the school colors. The inside would be full of pennants and memorabilia. He’d be supporting his team and easing his way into the hereafter at the same time.
Why stop there? You’ve seen those new headstones with a photo of the deceased engraved on them. Why not a sponsor’s name as well? Say a normal headstone is $3,000. Have the words “Got Milk?” on it with a picture of our late friend wearing a milk mustache and the price may drop to $1,500. Tombs in the shape of bowling trophies could be very popular. Me, I’d like to be laid to rest under a large 2-foot-high golf ball. On one side it would have my name and dates, on the other “Top Flight.”
Instead of putting houses around golf courses, wouldn’t it be more practical to put cemeteries around them? No worries about broken windows, no dings in the siding. Besides, I’d get more visitors from other golfers than I ever would from my family. And I’d know they can’t hit the fairway, either.
Jim Mullen contributes regularly to Entertainment Weekly, where he can be reached at [email protected].