Taking A Stand: My idea of fun doesn’t involve pigs
Being this is a newsroom filled with people who tattletale for a living, you’ve got to be careful what you say around here since it’s being duly noted and etched in stone as you say it.
This rings doubly true when it comes to offers of public humiliation involving pigs. One minute you’re making a flippant remark, not even thinking of what you’re saying, and the next you’re published and pretty much locked into backing up your errant words. It’s a good idea to say words like “off the record” and “don’t print this” when you’re making idle remarks in the newsroom.
My problem started when our resident do-gooder, Melissa Stover, came up with the idea of holding a kiss-the-pig contest to raise money for the Humane Society in conjunction with Pig Week here at the Standard. Actually, it’s a great idea since it adds an air of excitement during the regular pig celebration plus it raises money for a worthy cause. I mean, come on, there’s not many of us who would kiss a pig as part of our everyday routine, and yes, there’s a few people down here I would definitely enjoy seeing pucker up and lay a wet one on Miss Piggy.
However, as I’m prone to do, I made a statement in connection with the contest which landed me in a bit of a bind. It all started when Melissa was talking about how much money she believed the promotion would raise, predicting it could bring in over $1,000 for the animal shelter. While I think that would be great, I was somewhat of a naysayer when it came to the projected income and I voiced my doubts in an off-handed manner.
“If you raise over $1,000, I’ll kiss the pig’s butt,” I stated matter of factly, not realizing I would be taken seriously.
I should have take a clue from the silence which descended over the newsroom at that point.
“Oh, you will huh,” Melissa responded in a thoughtful manner.
Well, the next thing I know I’m picking up the paper and there I am, in black and white, offering to smooch the business end of this future BLT if we raise $1,000. This is an act made even more difficult seeing I’ll have to do it with my foot stuck squarely in my mouth.
Hey, don’t tell me I don’t do anything for the community. I mean, kissing a pig’s butt isn’t something I do for kicks on the weekends.
Since the publication of my offer, I’ve been keeping a careful watch on the number of donations coming in and, at present, we aren’t even close to the butt kissing level. Seeing I’ve become fairly boring and non-controversial in my old age, I’m not even leading in the kiss the pig contest when it comes to kissing the dignified end of the pig. However, I’m hearing there could be some last-minute money poured into the pot, but there’s still a long ways to go.
With this said, I ask the people of Warren County to consider the pig’s feelings. Come on, here’s this little piglet, plucked from its mud pile, plunged into the bright lights where it will be smooched in front of cameras. How confusing, and embarrassing to the pig, would it would be for some guy to kiss it’s rear?
It could also leave me with a stigma since seeing someone kiss a pig’s butt tends to linger in a person’s mind. I could win the Nobel Peace Prize and provide two cars in every garage, but I’d still be remembered for “the kiss.”
“Hey mamma,” says a little girl pointing at me in line at the grocery store with her mother. “That’s the weird man who kissed the pig’s … (smack).”
Duane Sherrill is a reporter for the Standard. He can be reached at 473-2191 or by e-mail at news@southernstandard.com.