The Scoop: Marriage is all based on a point system
It was three years ago when my Cupcake was pregnant that I finally began to learn a thing or two about marriage. It was during that time I devised a little system to determine how to earn points with my pregnant wife.
The system was actually fairly simple and, in the long run, there’s no telling how much grief it saved me. The system was about what you would expect – it awarded points for doing good things, subtracted points for doing bad things, and gave no points at all for doing what was expected. So it operated pretty much the way a woman actually thinks.
For an example of this, I give you the ever-popular “Do I look fat?” question. This, of course, is a continual question with a pregnant wife.
• If you quickly reply “No” to that question with meaning and power, that’s +5 points.
• If you hesitate slightly before responding, that’s -3 points.
• If you reply “Where?” that’s -20 points.
That’s just a sampling of how the point system worked during Cupcake’s pregnancy. Since then she’s given birth to the most handsome and most intelligent little boy in the whole entire universe (and yes I may be biased here), and the time has flown by. It’s flown by so much, today is our fifth wedding anniversary.
This wouldn’t be such a ruffling fact if I wasn’t just glancing through our wedding photos a few weeks ago. And one prevailing aspect of almost every picture is the fact I look considerably younger.
Yes, it may just be a mere five years ago today that I made the best decision of my life, but those five years have transformed my once-youthful appearance. I now have to come to grips with the fact that I look like – gulp – an adult. I’m no longer a teenager, or even a young man for that matter. At age 33, I’m approaching middle age.
But my mid-life crisis is not the topic of this column. My blissful and completely happy marriage with Cupcake is.
Over the years, I’ve learned to live with her and she, too, has learned to adapt to me. For example, when we were dating, I actually knew what a clothes hamper was. Now that we’ve been married for five years, the floor is my clothes hamper.
Another one of my shortcomings is my behavior at restaurants. When we were dating, I would pick at my food and generally show no interest in Cupcake’s plate. Now that we’ve been married for five years, she has barely swallowed her first bite before I start reaching my fork across the table.
Five years of marriage has also given me the opportunity to revise my point system. Things aren’t the same as they were during her pregnancy. And I’ve found one area where women are quick to grade your affection is during birthdays.
• If you give her a simple birthday present, that’s 0 points.
• If you give her a gift that you’ll be paying off for several months, that’s 15 points.
• If you give her a gift and it’s a small appliance, that’s -5 points.
• If you give her a gift and it’s the Ozzy Osbourne CD you’ve been wanting for six months, that’s -20 points.
I’ve also found there are those times when she just wants to talk. As men, we have to be receptive to those needs because that’s when the really important grades are awarded.
• If she wants to talk and you listen, that’s 0 points.
• If she wants to talk and you say “Can it wait till halftime?” that’s -10 points.
• If you listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV, that’s 30 points.
• If you fall asleep during the talk, then that’s -45 points.
Sure, it may be a less-than-perfect system. I admit there may be some flaws. But it’s helped to guide me through five great years of marriage so I’m not about to change it now.
(James Clark is editor of the Standard. He can be reached at 473-2191 at [email protected].)