Now Hear This: I’ve got mail, but do I want it?
Sexy Melissa says, “Boo!”
“We have the fountain of youth!”
“Got septic tank problems?”
“I believe in God!”
“Bigger is better!”
I want to strangle that guy! The one who tells us we’ve got mail. Anybody care to join me? Who is he? And where does he live. I’ve got a message for him, and it ain’t about mail!
Recognize any of that trash? If you have a personal computer you certainly do. Those inane messages multiply like rabbits. You kill one, and two more take its place. About the guy with the voice. I know it’s not his fault, but I’ve come to hate hearing it because I know what’s waiting.
What we need is an honest voice that says, “You’ve got mail ? and a lot of it is sick junk!” At least I’ve been warned, and it would make me feel better, I think. Yes, there are some respectable businesses trying to make an honest living with e-mail marketing, but their biggest problem is they are “guilty” by association.
I’ll bet if somebody did a little investigating they would find the same people, who for years have churned out all the rotten PORN across this country, are now the e-mail PIMPS peddling e-mail POOP!
I don’t open their trash, and 100 percent of the people I’ve talked to about this don’t either – at least they say they don’t. So, who does? If it’s not you and me, who then?
Here’s a review of some of the recent e-mail correspondence I’ve received, and the category I’ve assigned them.
• The I need a life e-mail.
American women are spoiled. Russian mail order brides to please anyone! (But do they shave under their arms?)
Shed while you sleep. (Shed what?)
We could buy your life story! Remember this is the “I need a life category.”
So, you want to be a big guy? I don’t need to elaborate. We’ve got the guaranteed answer. (Oh, pleaseeeee ?)
Amazing breast enhancing capsules. Like 24 a day for the rest of your life.
• The most people are gullible, and we’re banking on it e-mail.
Do you need extra cash? (Yeah, my credit cards are maxed out. I have two mortgages on my house, and I’m already an organ donor.)
Reduce your insurance premiums by 70 percent. (I think I’ll wait until you can make me that same offer at 100 percent.)
Prescription drugs – free. (It’s about time the government stepped in and assumed a larger financial role in our health care.)
Keep your septic tank functioning like new. (By the way where did we put that thing.)
And finally ?
• The I’ll try anything once e-mail.
We’ll fix your books today. (Thank goodness, I need some relief. The IRS is killing me.)
Stop creditors from calling you. (I’m laughing so hard I didn’t hear the phone ring, thank you.)
A diploma without tests. (I know a feller who got one of those from the University of Georgia.)
Insider information. (Anybody got Martha Stewart’s phone number?)
Melissa says, “Hi, there!” ( Well, maybe I will open that e-mail ? but just this once.)
Well, there you have it. Just some of the junk that’s clogging our computers. But I’ve got an answer to this unsolicited, unwanted e-mail HELL!
I don’t know about you, but as for me, it’s time to unplug. Out with the PC. Now if I could just remember where I stored that typewriter!
(Hope Hines is a television sports reporter and a Nashville personality.)