Robservations: Brushing up on golf’s real ‘rules’
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And, if you’re like me, the inability to get out and play just makes the desire to take to the links that much stronger.
With that in mind, and thanks to a fun e-mail I received a while back, here are a few of “The Real, True, Un-exaggerated Rules of Golf,” for those of you out there who will either brave the cold, or else develop a strong sense of cabin fever while waiting to head for the course once again…
1. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
2. The game of golf is 90 percent mental and 10 percent mental.
3. Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all.
4. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
5. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
6. If you’re afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: You can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
7. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
8. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.
9. If it ain’t broke, try changing your grip.
10. Golfers who claim they don’t cheat, also lie.
11. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
12. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent’s luck.
13. It’s surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.
14. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
15. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
16. It’s not a gimme if you’re still away.
17. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
18. There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
19. You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10 percent of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90 percent of the time.
20. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
21. If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
22. There are two things you can learn by stopping your back swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: How many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
23. Hazards attract; fairways repel.
24. You can put “draw” on the ball, you can put “fade” on the ball, but no golfer can put “straight” on the ball.
25. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
26. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.
27. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
28. Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.