Taking A Stand: Let’s all go dance on a softball field
I can’t dance and I know it. This gives me the advantage over most other humans, mostly of the female variety, since I realize my limitations whereas most people don’t.
If I had a quarter for every time some girl made fun of my dancing or told me I couldn’t dance, I’d be rich. Now I’m not completely sexist, nor do I have rage against the fairer sex. It’s that guys generally don’t make fun of other guys dancing for the same reason we don’t make fun of the way we dress ourselves.
First, it’d be seen as somewhat sissy to make fun of another guy’s dancing. Second, aside from a few semi-professionals, there are very few good male dancers. Most men were born with two left feet, therefore, the intelligent ones don’t throw rocks in glass houses. The last reason for not making fun of another guy’s dancing is that he may give you a punch right in your nose.
However, this is where the difference in the sexes is most apparent. It seems like every girl you meet thinks she’s the next Britney Spears. I guess being female and in the approximate vicinity of a dance floor automatically makes every girl an expert in the fine art of dance. Shoot, my own wife is one of the worst to attack my inability to move to the music, even though I don’t see her trying out for a role in the “Dirty Dancing” sequel.
Personally, I’ve never been into dancing anyway. I don’t have anything against people who like to dance and no, I don’t think it’s a sin to dance, provided you’re not doing it naked next to a pole and getting dollar bills shoved in your garter from some drunk Legionnaire named Tex from Utah.
However, what I do have a problem with is these girls, some of whom need to go to Twinky rehab (none of which are in the Class of ’83 by the way), trying to tell me I can’t dance when they are about as smooth on the dance floor as a rhino on acid. I mean, I’d venture onto the dance floor but I’d be afraid one of their hooves would crush my foot.
About the only thing that makes people as condescending to others as the dance floor is softball. Oh no Sherrill, don’t go there!
In my life, I’ve met a handful of softball players I’d say were good. Meanwhile, I’ve met a ton who thought they were good. They’re easy to spot.
First off, they are quick to criticize any out made by another person, pointing out the hitter’s shortcomings. Hey, everyone who plays softball is hearing this because most teams tend to have a couple of these folks. Then, these “experts” swagger to the plate like some WWE superstar going to the ring, wearing their pretty little batting gloves and carrying their special $600 bat they just bought off eBay.
And, what happens? Boom, fly out to center. Every stinking time. And, every time they come back with the excuse “ah, I got under it a little” despite the fact they did the same thing the last 100 times at bat. Sure, they may have gone yard once in 1996 when the wind was blowing out at the pee-wee field, but since then the batting average has gone in the tank for good. Hey, most of those “experts” are so out of shape anyway that I have my doubts they could even run out a close one to first.
What we need to do is get these dance experts and softball experts together so they can live their illusions of grandeur together. Maybe they can go to the “Worlds” down in Florida and do a little dancing together.
(Duane Sherrill is a reporter for the Standard. He can be reached at 473-2191 or by e-mail at [email protected].)