The Village Idiot: A cure for the curious viewers
I’m 53 and I have gray hair. The only time you see people like me on television is in a certain commercials that only run during the evening news.
You’ll see an athletic-looking, gray-haired guy and his athletic female mate running down a beach, playing tennis, dancing on the deck of a cruise ship while a serious, disembodied voice intones, “You’ll know when it’s time for Splondocaine.”
The voice never tells you what Splondocaine does, or what it’s for, but tells you to ask your doctor about it. It’s like a big secret we can’t let young children know about yet.
“Mom, what’s Splondocaine?”
“Watch your mouth! We don’t talk about that kind of stuff in this house. You’ll know when it’s time. They’ll tell you!”
Most of the rest of the commercial the voice spends talking as fast as he can in a rushed whisper telling you that whatever you do, for God’s sake, don’t take Splondocaine.
“In some people, Splondocaine may cause drowsiness, vomiting, stomach upset, mucousy discharge, yellowing of the skin, visions, dementia, loss of hearing, warts, curvature of the spine, sleep apnea, loss of feeling in the forehead, smelly feet, bad breath, a deep and abiding sense of impending doom, liver spots, baldness, wrinkles, sciatica, bed-wetting, liver damage, loose teeth and forgetfulness. Did I mention the drowsiness?”
The man and the woman in the commercial were now laughing at a kid flying a kite. That did it. I decided I had to have some. So I went to my doctor. “Doc, don’t you think it’s time I took Splondocaine?”
“I don’t know,” he said, “How long have you been constipated?”
“Is that what it’s for?”
“Well, what did you think?”
“I thought it was like marijuana for old people. Have you seen their ads? Those people are high. I thought that’s what the kite meant.”
The next night I saw a commercial for Plasothalix. It came after an adult diaper commercial and before a Polident commercial. It showed a gray-haired man blowing a horn, eating corn on the cob, smiling and laughing on a big fancy sailboat. The serious voice said, “Joe used to worry, but he doesn’t worry now. He uses Plasothalix twice a day and is the life of the party. Ask your doctor about Plasothalix today. May cause dry heaves, cold sweats, boils, manic depression, palsy, dry mouth, emotional outbursts, loss of a sense of time and lower back pain. Do not drink alcohol or eat cashew nuts while taking Plasothalix.”
I called the doctor again. “Doc, I’m sick with worry. Shouldn’t I be taking Plasothalix twice a day?”
“Oh, wouldn’t think so.” he said. “You’ve got plenty of hair.”
“Hair? I thought for sure it was for anxiety. Or at least motion sickness.”
“Maybe there is something you should take,” Doc told me. “I’m going to call in a prescription for Evenitol for you.”
“Evenitol? I’ve seen that commercial. Isn’t that the one where the gray-haired guy is out jogging with a gray-haired woman and after that they play handball and then they go rock climbing? He goes swimming. while she does tai chi in the park. You’d have to give a 20 year old oxygen and adrenaline to do all that in one day. What’s it cure? Chronic Severe Rectal Itch? Adult Diaper Rash? Mole hair?
“No, it softly but gently puts you to sleep during the evening news. You’ll never have to watch those commercials again. Take two and don’t call me in the morning.”
(Jim Mullen contributes regularly to Entertainment Weekly, where he can be reached at [email protected].)