When a friend needs to intervene

Dear Margo: My friend “Paul” repeatedly molested his niece when he was younger. It was never reported to the police, but he did pay for his sister’s and his niece’s therapy, and went for several years himself.

Two years ago, Paul became involved with “Mary,” who had a 1-year-old daughter. Paul told me last year that he wasn’t certain he’d stay with Mary because she wanted another child, and he did not want to father a child; she thought Paul would not know what he was missing unless he became a father.

A few months later, Paul called to say Mary was pregnant. He was planning to marry her even though he expressed shock about the news. A mutual friend and I discussed the double betrayal involved in this pregnancy, and then he told me Paul had never revealed his abuse history to Mary. I think she deserved to know this early in their relationship, and for her not to know now seems to place two children at risk.

Paul acknowledged he hadn’t told Mary because “she is not ready to hear this information,” and he claimed he is “healed and would never do it again.” I don’t trust Paul anymore, because if he were truly healed, he would have told Mary soon after meeting her.

My dilemma is: Should I tell her? If I remain silent, two children will be potentially at risk. If I tell her and she dumps him now, his child may not have a relationship with its father. I don’t worry about Paul’s feelings, but I am concerned about what is best for his child and Mary’s daughter. ? Judgmental?

Dear Judge: Ordinarily, I’m a believer in one of my mother’s favorite sayings, “MYOB.” But pedophilia is a special case, in that it is rarely curable and has a high recidivism rate. The fact that Paul didn’t reveal his history to Mary is not a good sign.

I am told there’s a tremendous amount of denial that goes along with this perversion, and people in treatment for child molestation have the absolute necessity for confession drummed into them.

This makes Paul’s withholding such information a meaningful omission.

I suggest this: Share your ethical dilemma with Paul, making sure to praise him for his efforts to change and make amends. Ask him to tell Mary about his past, and if he refuses, tell him that you will, as a matter of conscience. Point out to Paul that it’s never a good idea to build a relationship on a hidden secret.

The added surveillance (by Mary) will probably be a good thing in that it’s another deterrent. And maybe all of you should see the movie “The Woodsman.” ? Margo, immediately

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to [email protected]. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.