If I did it, I’d roll city hall
Now that the statute of limitations has passed, let me make an alleged confession regarding one of the most daring yard rolling operations in history, that being the assault five years ago on McMinnville City Hall, a masterpiece of Halloween mischief which should serve as a benchmark to all aspiring rollers even today.
As another ‘innocent’ person said in a recently published book, ‘If I did it,’ this is the way it went down on the evening before Halloween five years ago.
If I did it, a team of audacious pranksters met across the street from city hall at the home of a former Standard employee we will just call ‘Will’ to plot the assault which was to happen at a daring 9 p.m., even as traffic was still regular around the governmental tabernacle. We had talked about this caper for a week or so after whetting our whistle for rolling by hitting each other’s yards in nocturnal raids. We decided we would pool our superpowers of rolling and harness them to put together what amounted to a yard-rolling all-star squad to commit ‘the big job’ in a public place.
Being the paranoid one of the bunch, if I did it, I advised we conduct this operation in a professional style using walkie-talkies to communicate. This was something a team member we shall call ‘James’ said wasn’t needed, but would later keep him from having to clean up toilet paper all night.
After plotting the job, the members of the team, dressed in camo, headed across the street and began papering the front lawn of the Blue Building. By the way, all this happened, sorry guys, while officers were inside police headquarters. We had been conducting surveillance with binoculars and knew there was a chance someone might emerge, thus busting our team in the act.
While the team members were going about their work, I, being the brains of the outfit, if I did it, monitored the police frequency as I watched the trees turn from green to white at city hall. It was during this monitoring I heard dispatch relay a call that city hall was being rolled.
Hesitating just for an instant, imagining how funny it would be to see my buds collared by police, I put out the warning, prompting a high-speed evacuation as the last of our team members dove behind a car just as officers screamed into the parking lot from both directions.
It was like Christmas on Halloween, the white-colored trees reflecting the blue lights.
In a bit of coincidence, our team members took cover in the parking lot of Sedberry Apartments, behind the car from where the tattle-tales had called us in. Unknown to the stoolies, there was someone from our group sitting quietly in a car right behind them, watching the operation through binoculars, hearing them as they used their cellphone in their car to report the horrible crime.
Before you ask, that was the last of our pranks as the rolling of city hall was the mountaintop of rolling. Was it immature? Sure it was. But to show you how adult we were and how guilty we felt afterwards we even discussed slipping the groundskeeper $20 for the trouble of cleaning up the roll job but couldn’t be sure if he’d keep our secret.
If I did it, I would not suggest anyone try to follow the assault for two reasons. One, it’s been done already and it would be a cheap imitation. And two, they keep a good watch on the building since the incident.
Can you fight city hall? No, but you sure can roll it.
Duane Sherrill is a reporter for the Standard. He can be reached at 473-2191 or by e-mail at [email protected].