Dear Margo – Lower than a snake’s tail in a wagon rut

Dear Margo: I have been married to my husband for almost six years. We have a 5-year-old son together, and each of us has children from a previous marriage. Out of the seven years we have been together, he has been without a job three times.

Currently it has been almost three years since his last job, except for three months at a job where he was fired for not getting along with the boss.

He verbally and mentally abuses my children from my previous marriage, but he lets our son get away with everything. He will bring home gifts for him and ignore my children. He calls me names and tells me I am a bad mother, etc.

Unfortunately, we led an alternative lifestyle in the past. He has pictures and threatens me with them every time I try to break away. He tells me he will use them to get custody of our son and send them to my church, ex-husband, etc.

Can you please help with some idea of how to handle this situation?

‘ Frantic and Alone

Dear Fran: Sometimes I think the best way to deal with blackmail is to call the person’s bluff and say, “Go ahead.” I doubt that he would follow through, but if he does, then explain (to whomever) that you did these things in the past, together (at his urging), and you are regretful.

As for custody, if you did these things, so did he, therefore it washes out. I would have letters of explanation prepared for the church and your ex-husband should this lout actually do what he says. You really have got to get away from him.

‘ Margo, tactically

Dear Margo: My husband and I have two kids (boy 5, girl 2), and my parents live with us.

They sold their house and moved in with us when I was pregnant with my daughter.

They are a great help with the house and the kids, but they do not let me “raise” my kids the way I would like. For example, they let my daughter watch as many cartoons as she wants, even if it means until 11 p.m. They let her have a bottle and eat snacks after I have brushed her teeth.

The first time (and last time) I asked my parents to watch my son write the alphabet, they did not bother to check, and half of his letters were written backward. I am out of the house 13 hours a day and thought about staying home with the kids when they start school, but now I don’t want to see my parents 24 hours a day. Did I mention my dad wants to go on vacation with us, too?

What should I do? Should I send my daughter to preschool early? My parents cannot afford to buy their own place, and their savings would only allow them to live on their own for 10-15 years (and then they would ask us for money or move back in with us). Please help!

‘ Lost Mother

Dear Lost: The good news is that the situation with your folks in the house sounds as though it works well, with the exception of the Permissive Grandparent Syndrome.

Boundaries need to be set, which will require a serious sit-down. You must emphasize to them that you have certain ideas of how you want your children raised, and your ideas must prevail. Stress that this issue is very important to you, and I think the implicit message will be understood.

‘ Margo, assertively