Cruel and unusual doctor visit
The waiting room at the doctor’s office is packed. The first thing they made me do, the first piece of paper I had to sign was the Patient Confidentiality Agreement. There was no way I would get treated by this doctor unless I absolutely, positively signed this form first.
In lawyer-ese, it said any information I give the doctor is privileged and can only be seen with the patient’s permission or by the doctor’s Tuesday night poker club. It’s a very official looking document. It protects my right to privacy, a very important right in these days of identity theft. So I sign it.
Ten minutes after I turned in the signed papers to the front desk, I hear my name over the office’s public address system. “Mr. Mullen, please proceed to the Procto-Uro Embarrassing Invasive Center now.” How very confidential. The other patients will think I’m here for hair plugs. Why don’t they just announce it on the radio? Or put it on the cover of “Time”?
A nurse poked her head out. “Mr. Mullen? Mr. Mullen?” I pretended to look around for him, too, just like everyone else. I looked down into the empty seat next to me. On the upholstered seat was a large, ugly stain. I jumped up to see if I was sitting on a stain.
“Mr. Mullen?”
“Yes.”
“Didn’t you hear the announcement?”
“There was an announcement? Maybe I should have my ears checked while I’m here.”
The look on her face suggested it was something between my ears that should be checked.
“If you’ll just step in here and take your clothes off and put on this robe.” Now, I have a robe at home. It is long and warm and fluffy. That is a robe. What she has given me is just the opposite of a robe. It is thin, cold and short.
A technician leads me to a room right out of the villain’s house in the last James Bond movie. Just like a Bond movie, everyone is exceedingly polite.
“Right this way, Mr. Mullen. Dr. Exceedingly Kruel wants you to know he designed this machine himself. It is called the Universal Agonizer and Debilitator. As you can see, it is very cold to the touch. Dr. Kruel likes to maintain a constant temperature of minus-40 in this room at all times. Won’t you please lie down so we can strap you in?”
When a doctor says “You may feel some discomfort,” grab your clothes and run. What I mean by discomfort is sitting too long in a modern chair at the airport. What I mean by discomfort is riding in a car that is a little too stuffy, what I mean by discomfort is breaking in new shoes.
What a doctor means by discomfort is, “We practiced this once on a foam dummy in medical school. It blew up and its skin fell off.” What a doctor means by discomfort is, “Scream all you want, no one will come to help you.” What a doctor means by discomfort is, “I’ve got a square peg, and I’m looking for a round hole.”
The good news is that there is nothing physically wrong with me. But my psychiatrist says it may take a year to stop having the bad dreams. Just in time for my next appointment with Dr. Kruel.
Jim Mullen is a humor author. You can reach him at jim_mullen@myway.com.