My, oh my, how we love grass
I’m guilty, and I feel really, really bad about what I’ve done. After 10 years of pampering, and nurturing (not to mention the thousands of dollars spent) I now have GRASS that must be nursed through an annual four-step chemical dependency which requires me to engage in weekly “tough-love” with the green rectangles in my life, both front and back.
What in the world are we doing to our lawns? We fed them, water them, rake them, then watch a lot of it die anyway! How stupid are grass lawns? Then I received an e-mail the other day that put it all in perspective.
Imagine the conversation The Creator might have with St. William (Saint who?) about all this:
“Billy Bob,” the Lord said, “You know all about gardens and nature. What are they doing down there? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now.”
“It’s the tribes that settled there,” St. Billy Bob replied. “The suburbanites started calling your flowers weeds and went to great extent to kill them and replace them with grass.”
“Grass? But, it’s so boring. It’s not colorful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. Do these suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?”
“Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning other plants that crop up in the lawn.”
“The spring rains and cool weather makes the grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.”
“Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little they cut it. Sometimes twice a week.”
“They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?”
“Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.”
“They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?”
“No, sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.”
“Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it and pay to throw it away?”
“Yes, sir.”
“They must be relieved in the summer when I cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.”
“You aren’t going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.”
“What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil.”
“You better sit down, Lord. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and have them hauled away.”
“Enough!” I don’t want to think about this anymore. Saint Catherine, you’re in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?”
“‘Dumb and Dumber,’ Lord. It’s a pretty stupid movie about ?”
“Never mind ? I think I just heard the whole story.”
So, I gotta ask you dear readers. How will you spend your weekend?
(Hope Hines is a television sports reporter and a Nashville personality.)