The Village Idiot: Team nicknames a touchy subject
“Readers of the sports pages may notice a change in the newspaper’s style beginning today: We have stopped using the nickname ‘Redskins’ to refer to the professional football team of the nation’s capital. When we’re reporting on that team, we’ll call it Washington.” — The Lincoln Journal Star, Lincoln, Nebraska, Jan. 28, 2003.
You can bet that American Indians aren’t the only ones who think some team names are insulting, intentionally or not. Lots of other groups would like to see some changes. The Angels, the Saints, the Wizards and the Devils might offend Christians and Pagans alike; the Pistons, the Steelers and the Oilers may rankle the ecologically sensitive. The Celtics and the Vikings are too Eurocentric. The Bears, the Hawks, the Diamondbacks, the Devil Rays and the Eagles have become anachronisms. Most youngsters couldn’t tell the difference between a hawk and a tufted titmouse if they were on the school lunch menu. And some names were just plain silly from the start. What is a Knickerbocker and why would you root for one?
Sports teams should be named after something in today’s world, something that everyone could relate to. Like the L.A. Claims Adjusters or the New York Gossips. The Detroit Fork Lift Operators or the Seattle Fishmongers. When the Washington Lobbyists’ starting pitcher signs a three-year, $27-million contract, what real lobbyist would ever complain that the guy’s getting paid too much?
When the California Cosmetic Surgeons take on the Pittsburgh Solid Waste Managers at some future Super Bowl, who would be able to contain their excitement? Who would be able to say they don’t care who wins?
People who used to tune in just for the commercials and the half-time show would watch for the game.
If the Phoenix Retirees beat the Philadelphia Mobsters in the World Series, who wouldn’t be shocked by the upset?
Forget the Red Sox and the White Sox. Try the Boston MBAs and the Chicago Media Planners. The Raiders? The Buccaneers? I don’t think so. Let’s go with the Oakland Used Car Salesmen and the Tampa Telemarketers.
Think how much more fun the sports pages would be with headlines that read “Bank Tellers Trash Psychologists 27-3,” or “The Cincinnati Security Guards Whip the Miami Mall Walkers.” You could drop by your favorite watering hole and say, “How ’bout them Cleveland Chiropractors?” And, “I’ll cover the spread on the Dallas Trust Funders-San Francisco Aerobics Instructors game if you give me four points.”
College teams need work, too. If you think anyone on the Nebraska football team has ever husked corn or that the Fightin’ Irish are really Irish, then the last time you were on a college campus you were wearing a raccoon coat.
Sure, the alums like traditions, they like to pretend that everything’s the way it was when they went to school. But they’ve got to snap out of it. The parents of college-age kids might get a much-needed wake up call if they attended the homecoming game and found the Binge Drinkers taking on the Big Dumb Boyfriends. Who wants to lead those cheers? Go Drinkers! Go Boyfriends!
There are people, of course, who think American Indians are being too sensitive about teams being named the Indians, the Chiefs, the Redskins. That may be, but there is one thing I’ll never understand: Why on earth would you name a team from Washington, D.C., the Redskins instead of the Presidents, or the Civil Servants?
(Jim Mullen contributes regularly to Entertainment Weekly, where he can be reached at [email protected].)