The Scoop: I’m ready to write advice columns
By now, most of us know one of the great columnists of our time has died. Ann Landers left us at age 83 for that great typewriter in the sky.
The news stunned the advice columnist readers of the world and even I was a bit moved by the news of her passing. But I wasn’t as upset as most because, writer that I am, that means there’s suddenly an opening for a big-time syndicated advice columnist.
I don’t mean to come across as arrogant, but I believe I could do the job. And if you want to get technical about it, Ann Landers (whose real name is Esther Lederer) had not been the person writing her column for some six months.
Mike Myers from Creators Syndicate informs me the Standard will continue to receive Ann Landers’ advice columns until July 27. That means we can all receive words of wisdom from a woman who is no longer living. If you ask me – and this is my opinion only – advice loses its effectiveness when it’s given by a dead person.
So by now you can see where I’m going with this. I want to be the next Ann Landers and provide advice to readers of some 1,200 newspapers across the globe. I think with my no-nonsense style, my column would be a hit. Here’s a sampling of my answers using actual questions which have been submitted to advice columnists in recent months:
Dear James: I don’t know what to do when my employer goes through my personal belongings. What can I do? – Frustrated in Long Island
Dear Frustrated: When you can tell your employer has been through your stuff, go find a big stick. When your employer is not looking, whack him or her in the back of the head. When he or she regains consciousness, make sure to be clear the beating was because they looked through your personal belongings. If behavior still persists, repeat procedure until problem clears up.
Dear James: I have been engaged to “Zach” for three years, but I don’t know if I should marry him. Zack has been in prison for the past two years and wants us to be married as soon as he gets out, which will be another three years. Should I marry him? – Lacking conviction in Texas
Dear Lacking: Either you’re as large as a Volkswagen or you just don’t have any luck dating. If you’re reduced to searching the prison population to find a spouse, you certainly need some help with your self-confidence. Seek immediate therapy.
Dear James: I am a 60-year-old widow and have been seeing “John” for two years. The problem is, John has a lot off ex-girlfriends. The last girlfriend, however, is a nuisance. “Lucy” is 15 years younger than John and dated him for a long time. Am I wrong to be jealous? – Jennie in Maryland
Dear Jennie: Nope, you’re right on the money. If my hunch is correct, it will likely only be a matter of weeks before Lucy steals your John away. Let’s face it Jennie. At 60, you’re past your prime and your girlish figure is probably a thing of the past. If you can hold onto John, it would amaze me.
Dear James: I went out with “Jane” three times and now she finds excuses not to see me. This isn’t the first time a budding relationship has ended for no reason. Do I have bad breath? Do I walk funny? I fully expect to live the rest of my life alone. – Mike in Brooklyn
Dear Mike: I’m glad you have come to that revelation. You sound like a real loser. From your letter, it appears women can’t get away from you fast enough. Let that be a sign.
As you can see, my tell-it-like-it-is style is sure to be a hit. All that’s left for me to do now is sit back and wait for all those advice column offers to start pouring in.
Something tells me my phone will start ringing any time.
(James Clark is editor of the Standard. He can be reached at 473-2191 or by e-mail at standard@blomand.net.)