Robservations: What does the sports future hold?
Usually, in the newspaper business, your final edition of the year will include some opinion piece where a writer reflects on the events of the past 12 months.
But not here, my friends.
Here, in your always-innovative, often-imitated, never-duplicated friendly neighborhood sports column, we like to take a look forward — not back.
So once again, gentle reader, put your skepticism aside. Once again concentrate with me, as we gaze into the Southern Standard’s dusty old crystal ball, and find out what 2005 will hold for us in the world of sports.
Quiet now, the images are beginning to form…
“3,” the Dale Earnhardt biopic, will be nominated for multiple awards for excellence, including several for the film’s star, Barry Pepper.
Pepper, who has been lauded during his career for both his acting prowess and physical resemblance to sports stars Roger Maris (in the film “61*”) and the afore-mentioned Earnhardt (in “3”), will sign a multi-picture contract with ESPN Original Entertainment. Details of the deal will not yet be disclosed.
As a result, the TSSAA will discontinue its ages-old “A.F. Bridges Sportsmanship Award,” opting instead to award the “Ron Artest Fan Fisticuffs” trophy to the high schooler who pummels the most spectators.
The two-game series between Warren County and Cookeville High School results in those two squads’ players splitting the top five spots in the new award’s standings. Vanessa Cornelius and Brittany Brewer credit their receiving the No. 1 and No. 2 spots in the final voting to the anger-releasing techniques they learned while golfing with sports writer Dale Stubblefield.
Barry Bonds shows up for Giants camp at 205 pounds, contending a late-winter bout with the flu is to blame for his sudden drop in bulk. Inexplicably, Bud Selig believes him. Upon hearing that news, Pete Rose puts his fist through the final intact wall in his home.
Just prior to opening day, ESPN airs a 24-hour marathon of back-to-back broadcasts of its new made-for-TV movie, “8 — The Andre Dawson Story.” Barry Pepper’s starring role, and the masterful makeup job required to pull it off, are the toast of Tinsel-town.
Good news comes quickly, when Warren County scores a resounding victory over Bradley Central. Asked what was the key to the historic win, head coach Chris Madewell replies: “It’s amazing what you can do when kids actually want to come to practice. Also, we were able to get some preseason inspiration by watching Barry Pepper perform his off-broadway one-man show, ’77 – The ‘Stitch’ Story.'”
Confused by two very similar movie titles, fans hoping to see screenings of Barry Pepper in “3:2,” the sequel to Earnhardt’s story, accidentally set their Tivo’s to record Pepper in “32,” the life story of Earvin “Magic” Johnson. Pepper earns an Oscar nod for his portrayal of the Laker legend, but the fans’ reaction leads to a cancellation of his contract, and subsequently, the need for a new running joke for my 2006 “predictions” column.