The Village Idiot: Take me far away from here
The temperature hit 18-below this morning. I took a picture of the thermometer and e-mailed it to the members of my family who live in warmer climes. Eighteen-below is not the coldest temperature on earth. It’s not even record-breaking, but it’s cold enough to get your attention. And it makes me wonder about one thing: If evolution is such a good idea, why don’t human beings still have fur?
Of course, as anyone who’s been to the beach or a health club knows, some human beings still do. But I mean a lot of it. Enough of it that I wouldn’t have to put anything on to go fetch the paper when it’s 18-below.
It’s weird. Not only has evolution stripped us of most of our fur, the little tiny bit of fur we do still have we spend billions of dollars on each year trying to get rid of it. Waxing it or shaving it or shampooing it or gelling it or cutting it or styling it. Imagine how much we’d spend if our entire bodies were covered with rich, thick fur like a dog or a cat? The richest people in the world would suddenly be hair salon owners. The poorest would be clothing store owners.
We wouldn’t need clothes any more than a household pet does. We wouldn’t have to spend an hour bundling up the kids to go outside and play only to have them announce after the last buckle is buckled and the last zipper zipped that they have to go to the bathroom.
We wouldn’t need school uniforms or casual Fridays at the office. You’d just show up in your birthday suit, but you wouldn’t be naked. Being human, we’d figure out some way to do-dad it up. Guys would show up at the office with their stomach hair all gelled up and parted down the middle. Maybe some people would go for hair extensions or back dreadlocks. They’d all be struggling for the key to the executive litter box.
Women with straight fur would want it curly, women with curly fur would wish it were straight. The good news is that no one would ever throw paint on us for wearing fur. Our own fur, anyway.
Men would love fur. No more shaving. And the other great thing is that furry animals rarely go bald. Once you got fur, you tend to keep it. Hairy legs on women could become fashionable instead of despicable. They could braid it instead of shaving it.
Oh, I suppose there would be a few problems if humans had kept their fur. Shedding, for one. Sue would never let me sit on the sofa. And there’d always be one kid in class who’d be allergic to human fur. And brushing the middle of your back would be tough. And the electricity bill for hair dryers would go through the roof. But think of all the money you’d save on clothes.
Oh sure, fur would be nice when it’s eighteen below, you say, but what about in the middle of the summer? That’s why we probably evolved our fur away. Then why didn’t cats and dogs evolve their fur away? They manage to get through the summers somehow. And lions and tigers that live in equatorial Africa still have fur and they get plenty hot. Why did they get to keep all their beautiful fur while we lost ours?
I think Mother Nature just might owe us an apology. “Whoops! My bad! Should have kept fur, and gotten rid of Wisdom teeth. Nipples on men? What was I thinking? Appendixes? I just liked the sound of it. Sorry, I’ll try in better the in next million years. Besides, I had a few good ideas too. Walking upright? That was my idea. Opposable thumbs? Me. So don’t say I never did anything for you!”
(Jim Mullen contributes regularly to Entertainment Weekly, where he can be reached at [email protected].)