The fair needs more competition
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Think about the wondrous amounts of things to see and do the fair brings each year. Where else can you walk one 200-yard stretch of ground and see everything from a history of the funeral business, to live goats and chickens, to the latest in satellite TV technology?
And where else in the world can you spend half your week’s pay on meals prepared by your friends and neighbors, then spend the other half of your week’s pay on tickets for rides that will do their darnedest to make you lose your lunch?
And what about the Fairest pageant? Can you tell me one other event in town that is so popular people begin marking off their own “reserved” seats days in advance?
Fortunately, if you’ve been bedridden or something and missed your chance to wander the fairgrounds this week, the newshounds in the Standard office have you covered. In fact, you can’t swing a candied apple out there without hitting one of our shutterbugs.
But as for us guys over in the “B” section, the fair’s less of a job, and more of — well, just a fair. Because you see, there just aren’t that many ballgames going on out there. And since we’re in the ballgame business, there’s just not that much to cover.
Until now.
Here’s my proposal for next year’s fair, and I think this will go over big. We transform Warren County’s annual hoopla into an Olympic-esque competition, with normal fair rituals spiced up with the human drama of athletic competition.
“Examples,” you ask? “Of course,” I reply.
• First off all, the midway itself is laid out in a large, asphalt oval. Looks like a track, doesn’t it?
Well, let’s turn it into one! I say we set up timers, lay a few lane lines down, and make “walkin’ around” a timed, competitive event.
The best part, of course, is the obstacles you’ll encounter. If you’re in Lane 2, for instance, and while making turn 3 near the Himalaya you find your path blocked by a horde of high school kids, that’s just part of the game, son. Find your way through, and keep on racin’.
• Or how about an endurance challenge?
Starting at one end of the huge food-booth area, competitors are given 20 dollars, and must stop at each booth for something to eat along the way. The winner is the person who gets to the most booths before their money, or their gastro-intestinal tolerance, runs out. Special bonus points are awarded for cotton candy, funnel cakes, and any other items consumed at areas that are not technically “in” the community food-booth area, but are still fair staples.
• Along the same “endurance” lines, here’s a contest for the truly strong-willed.
Each participant is handed two crisp, $100 bills, which must be displayed on their person so as to be clearly visible to others. They are then sent on a slow walk along the midway, and must stop in front of each and every carnival game they encounter. While there, they must approach the proprietor of those games, and ask for detailed instructions on how to play, the prizes that can be won, and the difficulty or ease involved.
Once they’ve received their information — along with the countless requests of “don’t walk by, give it a try,” they must continue along the midway to the next game. The winner is the person who resists temptation the most, and returns with the largest share of their allotted money.
So come on, Warren County, what do you say? Let’s turn up the excitement at the “2003 Fairlympics,” and everybody go for the gold.
Just remember: Play hard, but play “fair.”