The perfect ‘roll’ takes athleticism

Ghost, goblins and creatures of the night will be walking the streets of McMinnville as darkness falls on this Halloween night. Thousands of kids will be out trick or treating trying to dodge all the witches, vampires and zombies.

Pumpkins will be carved and glowing, bags will be filled with candy and yards will be rolled. Yes, it’s that time of the year. Toilet paper becomes a hard item to find as the store shelves sit empty, due to this Halloween tradition.

Some people frown on this juvenile waste of paper products, but I for one find it to be an art form and even believe it to be some what of an athletic accomplishment.

There are several categories in the activity of yard-rolling: First, there are the beginners, those under the age of 10. Then there are the want-to-be’s, ages 10-16 years old, who can only get the roll 10 to 20 feet in the tree and don’t have enough foot speed to run away without getting caught.

Then there are the ‘semi-pros,’ those who can throw a roll higher than 20 feet in a tree, but don’t have the art of draping down just yet.

And lastly, there’s the professional, one who has the athletic ability to drape a roll of Charmin, Scott’s or White Cloud high across the top of a mighty oak or maple. This group of over-achievers isn’t just satisfied with a casual covering of the fall foliage. The key word here is ‘coverage.’ This group likes to use four to five rolls per tree, making sure the streams of white paper are strategically placed.

A well-rolled yard has balance and character. It’s a thing of beauty, that not only the perpetrators are very proud of, but the victims, as well, view it as a masterpiece.

A few years ago ‘ well, maybe a little longer than that ‘ a few of my friends pulled off one of the most spectacular rollings I have ever seen. Yes, they hit my yard, with over 100 rolls.

Now, I’m not going to throw any names out there, but one is now a teacher and coach. One is a banker and one owns his own rental business.

This masterpiece took several hours to finish; in fact it took so long they took a late-night snack break before finishing the job.

Not only did they cover every single leaf and limb, they wrapped it around the house, even making sure to get the basketball goal.

Strong arms and having the endurance to withstand hours of bone-chilling temperatures is a must for anyone who takes their yard rolling serious.

‘ Speaking of being serious, I have been trying to come up with the perfect costume this year.

I though about going as Isiah Thomas. But it would have to be a costume which blends arrogance, incompetence and lack of any ethics and would be filled with inappropriate remarks towards women.

Then I though about going as Alex Rodriguez, but I would have to opt out of my contract with the Southern Standard and through all those millions down the drain.

Michael Vick was my third choice, but I’m not sure how I would look wearing a orange jumpsuit, plus there are a lot of dogs in my neighborhood and I don’t want to scare them off. I like dogs.

I guess this year, I’ll just sit at home carve my pumpkin and give out a few candy bars.

Speaking of Halloween, how can you tell that a vampire likes baseball? He turns into a bat every night.