Give me shorter life without oatmeal

I just learned January is National Oatmeal Month. Now I have to figure out how to celebrate.

One thing is for sure, it won’t be by eating oatmeal. My mother cured me of that urge by making me eat oatmeal for seemingly every day of my life until I was 8. I can think of several things I’d like to do with oatmeal, but placing it in my mouth is not one of them.

Before I get some nasty letter from the National Oatmeal Association or some reader who is just craaazzy about oatmeal, I should make this point. Research has shown that people who eat oatmeal and other high-fiber foods are more likely to maintain a healthy weight, and possibly even live longer, than people who don’t eat such foods.

I haven’t done much research on this topic, but I can say people who regularly eat oatmeal no doubt feel like they have lived longer. I’d rather give up four or five months of my life than choke down oatmeal every day till I’m 85.

As for other odd, strange and curious news, there’s a controversy brewing in Louisiana where two men are angry because they were charged nearly double at an all-you-can-eat buffet. The two men, both approaching 300 pounds, are regulars at the Manchuria Restaurant where they have gained a reputation for their many return visits to the buffet.

The restaurant owner grew tired of watching the two literally eat up his profits so he tacked an extra $10 onto the price of each meal.

One of the men, Ricky Labit, said when the waitress brought the bill she said, ‘Y’all are fat, and y’all eat too much.’

In talking to a reporter afterwards, the other man, Michael Borrelli, said, ‘I ain’t that fat. I only weigh 277.’

Yes, I guess it is a slow news day when you cover a squabble at a restaurant because two guys ate too much. But police were called and apparently the dispute caused quite a scene.

It does rekindle the age-old philosophical debate about all-you-can-eat restaurants. Should you charge a standard price per person, or charge by body weight?

I’ve always felt slighted at such restaurants because I usually stop after one plate and dessert. However, I’ve seen some people return three and four times, consuming way more food than me. Yet we both pay the same.

That’s why I think these restaurants should come equipped with scales and the bill should fluctuate in 50-pound increments. For example, customers from 150 to 200 pounds would pay one price, while customers from 200 to 250 pounds would pay another. It’s just a thought.